I don’t know if I believe in luck. I stopped believing in God as a teenager when I saw the suffering in the world and learnt more about science and history. I then liked to believe in everything being made from energy and read a lot of books like “The Secret” that talked about putting positive energy out there to get the same back. Similar to Karma in what comes around goes around.
Energy and Karma
The energy, karma and positivity mantra was the way I always lived my life. Some people believe in God but I have liked to believe in the ancient energy of mother earth, not in a chanting naked around Stonehenge way, but the idea that we’re all made of energy always seemed more scientific and therefore believable.
Violet is born
Violet came along and we were told at her 20-week scan about her heart defect and that it was bad luck. She was an undiagnosed breach baby and I had her naturally afterwards we were again told “oh you had very bad luck there”. Then Violet got her heart fixed by surgeons at Alder Hey hospital and all the time we channeled positive energy. Other family members and friends prayed for her in a multitude of different faiths.
Her surgery was a permanent fix. People told us how lucky she and we were that she survived but we thanked science and the talented people at Alder Hey. We continued to think in a positive way and raised funds from our belated wedding reception for Ronald McDonald House to thank them for their support of us in providing accommodation when Violet was in hospital.
Violet sick again
Then when Violet got sick again being admitted into Manchester Children’s Hospital we continued to channel positivity and friends/family prayed again for her. After just over a week she seemed to turn a corner, we rejoiced and thanked everyone, mother earth, God, everyone’s prayers were answered…but then she suddenly died. When we got her post mortem results, and then over 18 months later an inquest verdict, to be told she was just very unlucky and she died from something so extremely rare that no one could believe it.
We then got pregnant again with Arthur our rainbow and were told at his 20-week scan that he had irreparable brain damage and once again told that we were just very unlucky again.
Karma is fake
Now if I was to believe in karma both of these things should have been lucky instead. I’m the person that buys food for random homeless people and sometimes helps them even further, for example I bought a homeless guy a sleeping bag in winter when he was sat sobbing because someone beat up and robbed him. Over the years I have raised thousands for charity. I’ve also only ever had rescue animals and do the middle class thing of sponsoring a child in Africa, so whilst I don’t do this as a quid pro quo or usually tell people whenever I do something kind, I should have a lot of good karma saved up right there. So I think the loss of my two children shows this karma thing is pure nonsense as for luck well….
As for God
As for God…I know lots of people who have lost children and are comforted by their faith. I on the other hand can’t believe in anyone or anything that can cause that kind of pain for anyone. The pain my child suffered in hospital in the weeks before she died, and that of other children suffering in hospital too, means if there is a God then he is a cruel unkind one, so why worship him/her? I actually in a way admire those child loss survivors who do still believe, as they’re certainly stronger in their faith than I am.
I still try to think positively, as it helps me to cope day to day but I do it more because I think that Violet wouldn’t want me to be upset or negative and me being miserable and negative isn’t going to bring Violet and Arthur back. I also now have the adorable Aurora to care for so need to be the best version of me for her sake.
Kindness and compassion
I believe kindness, compassion and good manners aren’t exclusive to those who are religious and my experiences over the last few years have shown me that often these qualities can be missing just as easily from a religious person as they can be present in an atheist. I like to treat people with kindness and respect regardless of who they are. Blame my mother for this one as she clearly raised us well.
So to summarize I’m not sure what I believe anymore and maybe as one of my extremely clever friends said, “perhaps life is just a lot of random shit that just happens and if you survive then you either learn to deal with it or you don’t end of”. Not quite as eloquent as Forrest Gump’s “life is like a box of chocolates” but I can really identify with my friends version. If religion is how you learn to deal with life’s challenges then good on you, it’s certainly better than turning to addiction or not coping at all. Each to their own and I think child loss survivors need to push on anyway they can.
How do you cope with things or spur yourself to carry on beyond what you used to believe was your limit?
Always Violet Skies x
I am definitely with you in that I have always felt that there is some force/energy out there and that channeling my energy in positive ways and being kind and open and helping others is the right way to live and will hopefully promote good energy back to me.
I’ve also not believed in god as such or religion since my teenage years because I just think it doesn’t make any sense.
And I have the same queries as you do about the whole luck thing. I really struggle with the justice (or lack of!) in things. I constantly find myself wondering how we live in a world designed like this where people who don’t want children and treat them awfully can have them and others who want them and would be wonderful parents and are good kind people can’t? How a baby can be born and have the chance to grow up and end up being Avery bad person and another not be given a chance to live like Violet, Arthur, my daughter Carrie and many more. I feel like there has to be something out there causing these injustices. But that suggests a devil like spirit and I say I don’t believe in god so how could there be an evil form of it? I guess because I’m looking for answers and reason. My husband has the same view as your friend, he says that the world is just random. It’s neutral and doesn’t offer any kindness or malice. It just exits and so do we and that is random in itself and so what happens to us is also just random, sometimes it’s shit and sometimes it’s great. Sometimes there is more shit or more great, it’s not equally spread because there is no mechanism to make that happen. And he says we either deal with it and do our best with what we have and continue to grow and carry on for our daughter or we just give up. I guess that makes me feel that there is then the element of lucky or unlucky in people’s lives though. Carrie was unlucky we are told because instead of bronchiolitis which the hospital were treating her for it turned out she had bronchopneumonia and they didn’t have enough time to find that out because her undiagnosed and very rare heart condition suddenly presented itself (likely because she was so poorly but not not definite) and caused her sudden death. It took us quite sometime to fall pregnant and we were so unbelievably grateful and so thankful for her. And then she was taken from us after just 6 months of happy healthy perfect life.
My ongoing struggle is how unbalanced life is. Why do some have to suffer and others not? Why did you have to endure the loss of Violet and Arthur and us Carrie, and so many others? It is random. It’s not fair. Apparently that’s just the world. I struggle to accept it but as you do I’ll try to remain the person I am and not become bitter or negative as it won’t bring Carrie back and she would only want happiness and light in her life and for us.
Thank you so much for this blog post, I have read it so many times since you posted it. It’s really helped my thinking. As you can probably tell it’s the main thing I struggle with in losing my baby girl xxx
Thank you so much for your reply to my blog post; I’m so pleased it has helped you in someway as that was the main reason for me writing a blog so others wouldn’t feel as alone or isolated in their thoughts. I am pleased to hear it resonated with you. I’m so sorry to hear about Carrie; Violet too died from respiratory failure because her lungs pushed pressure onto her heart and if she hadn’t have had a narrowed heart valve…It was bad luck apparently I am told but as you say is luck even real? Sending you lots of love for the future and embrace the randomness because surely it is about time for some random good stuff! Lots of love xxx