child loss survival Archives

Lockdown 3.0

How are you all coping in Lockdown 3.0?

Last March when COVID hit I lost all my consultancy clients overnight. They were airlines, hospitality and theatre industry companies.

How have I survived?

When people ask me how I’ve survived losing all my travel and hospitality consultancy clients overnight back in March. I tell them this…

I’ve been through the worst loss ever already losing my daughter 4 years ago and again losing my son 3 years ago. Everything is comparable on what you have experienced before and sadly I have been through much much worse regards loss so yes it did flaw me for a little while because I love my clients and seeing them suffer upsets me. Seeing those I love and care about poorly or suffering through lack of employment upsets me. Having the way I coping with my grief removed threw me off kilter.

I’m lucky that financially we have been able to survive thanks to my savings from previous hard work over many years, the government support and my husband. I know we are fortunate with this.

My real struggle

My anxiety about my surviving daughter getting sick and dying from COVID was the thing that flawed me. I have worked hard on dealing with this ever since. This is the reason some friends may feel I haven’t been in touch with them that much this past year. I have had to switch myself off from a lot of the negative worry and messaging around COVID. Combine that with having to shield last March because of a recent heart operation too and you can hopefully understand why I have had to be distant.

Aurora sleeping during the 1st lockdown. Our rainbow child. Our everything.

Friends

I was also conscious that if friends were already struggling with lockdown and their own issues with depression then they certainly didn’t need me offloading onto them too or (as some friends have said previously) make them feel bad or guilty for their moans that they feel seem insignificant compared to mine. In this global pandemic I didn’t want to make anyone feel any worse than they already did and everything is relative to you too.

i don’t do waiting…

As anyone who knows me will testify I don’t rest on my laurels!

I’ve spent my time up skilling and investing my time into my own travel business, that’s incidentally doing very well despite the pandemic. My travel business is named Sarah Stephens Escapes because travel was the very thing that saved me after we lost Violet we “escaped” a lot and I learned how healing and therapeutic travel can actually be. When I lost my clients in March 2020 I decided to embrace what I knew and what had saved me back then. I am so glad I did as it has helped me to remain positive throughout the majority of the pandemic and even though I can’t travel or as escape as much as I would like to I get to life vicariously through my clients. I discovered I enjoy planning holidays for others as much as I do my own trips.

Sarah Stephens Escapes — www.sarahstephensescapes.com

I’m also back doing PR consultancy again and training/coaching others that I love too.

charity

Watch this space too as I have epic plans underway on the charity front to continue to build Violet’s legacy further and big plans for this blog to evolve too. I have been busy in the last year…

JANUARY STRUGGLES

Sorry for the lack of posts in January (until now) as some of you may know the end of December and start of January is always hard for me as Arthur’s due date was 7th January so his birthday should have been around this period. Always a tough time for me but this year made worse with the pandemic and friends sadly losing loved ones too.

HOPE AND KINDNESS

There is hope out there people please try to stay positive and to cling onto any glimmer of light you can find. Another friends little boy was on the heart transplant list and fortunately some parents in their darkest hour agreed to donate their own child’s heart. These kind and amazing souls may have saved the life of an spectacularly brave little 5 year old boy who has already, with his legendary mum, done so much good for the world. Kindness still exists people so please continue to believe in the good out there and that this will prevail.

Event the darkest night ends — Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise

Big hugs, stay safe,

Love

Sarah x

If you enjoyed this then you might enjoy reading –

The “Royal” Baby

There’s a baby in our house

Strange times

January 27, 2021 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: arthur, childloss, corona virus, covid19, griefTags: anxiety, child loss, child loss survival, COVID-19, lockdown, travel Leave a comment

When Mother Nature has other ideas

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For those of you who regularly read my blog or follow me on social media you may know that I have been waiting for the news about my heart since before Christmas (see this blog post if you need a catch up). Anyway that decision was supposed to be discussed with me this week, when I was due to see my cardiologist about my MRI scan results from last year.

Snow

My hospital appointment was on Wednesday, the morning after the night the snow came that caused gridlock across the north west. It meant my cardiologist was one of the many people unable to get into work that day, so, alas again, I am still awaiting news as to what the future holds for my heart and for me.

Frustration

Initially I felt really frustrated that I still don’t know what will happen and all because of a bit of snow! Then I remembered that this isn’t the first time Mother Nature has put a spanner in the works for me and, in the grand scheme of things, this time I feel a bit of snow is quite a minor one.

Other “Mother Nature” surprises

Previous Mother Nature surprises have included nightmares such as my first child Violet being born with a heart disorder that was 100% fixed, thanks to medical science, then only to die from an extremely rare lung disease. Then I am diagnosed with a heart disorder too, that it seems I was born with.

Violet’s butterfly in our garden reflecting the warm lighting from inside the house

My second baby was given the all clear as healthy at his 16 week scan. Then we were told at the 20 week scan that his brain hadn’t formed correctly so we’d need a TFMR. During both of these births medical procedures went wrong and I nearly died. Then I was told the issues both babies had were probably genetic and inherited from me. After tests it turns out the faulty gene is so extremely rare they can’t identify it as yet (of course it bloody is!).

Not all bad surprises

Then Mother Nature pleasantly surprised us with my third pregnancy, which we weren’t expecting as it was immediately after losing Arthur. This time it went smoothly producing the beautiful Aurora. Perhaps she felt she owed me one!

So Mother Nature continually surprises us on a frequent basis so I really don’t know why a bit of snow causing gridlock on the one day I really wanted to be able to see a consultant shocked me at all. I should be getting used to this by now.

Our neighbours snow covered garden so pretty

Ride the Wave

I need to remember to a certain extent to “ride the wave” or “go with the flow”, when forces beyond my control come into play and balls everything up. It really is like the shipwreck analogy of grief. I’ve been clinging to the “I’ll find out about my heart on Wednesday” piece of wood to stay afloat and buoyant for the last month only for it to suddenly disintegrate plunging me under the icy waves once again. Anyway now I’ve clambered onto the “meh so what” Irish whiskey keg barrel and seem to have recovered again!

All I can say is that if a higher power does exist they certainly have a very dark sense of humour with the twists and turns they deliver to me on a regular basis.

I’m just hoping I get to see my cardiologist soon and that he says I can have a keyhole procedure in the not too distant future.

Good job the snow is so pretty. Can you spot the birds?

Hope none of you were adversely affected by the snow and scuppered by our good old Mother Nature. Keep warm.

Big love

Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

You might be interested in the following posts too –

More of a mother – does a natural birth make you more of a mother?

Somewhere after the rainbow – what happens if you lose your rainbow?

Mothering after loss

Guilt when a mother of loss

February 1, 2019June 21, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: arthur, baby loss, family, grief, Heartbreak, nature, rainbow, Scans, Uncategorized, Violet, WishingTags: anxiety, ASD, babies, baby, Baby loss awareness week, Broken hearted, cardiologist, Child bereavement, child loss, child loss survival, child loss survivor, Childbirth, children, faith, Guilt, Heart surgery, Heartache, mother nature, motherhood after loss, mri scan, parenthood after loss, parenting after loss, rainbow baby, Shipwrecked, snow, snowdays, tfmr Leave a comment