Category: corona virus

Aurora at the start of lockdown

Lockdown 3.0

How are you all coping in Lockdown 3.0?

Last March when COVID hit I lost all my consultancy clients overnight.  They were airlines, hospitality and theatre industry companies.

How have I survived?

When people ask me how I’ve survived losing all my travel and hospitality consultancy clients overnight back in March. I tell them this…

I’ve been through the worst loss ever already losing my daughter 4 years ago and again losing my son 3 years ago. Everything is comparable on what you have experienced before and sadly I have been through much much worse regards loss so yes it did flaw me for a little while because I love my clients and seeing them suffer upsets me. Seeing those I love and care about poorly or suffering through lack of employment upsets me.  Having the way I coping with my grief removed threw me off kilter.

Me and Aurora in Sydney Australia
Me and Aurora in Sydney Australia.

I’m lucky that financially we have been able to survive thanks to my savings from previous hard work over many years, the government support and my husband. I know we are fortunate with this.

My real struggle

My anxiety about my surviving daughter getting sick and dying from COVID was the thing that flawed me. I have worked hard on dealing with this ever since. This is the reason some friends may feel I haven’t been in touch with them that much this past year. I have had to switch myself off from a lot of the negative worry and messaging around COVID. Combine that with having to shield last March because of a recent heart operation too and you can hopefully understand why I have had to be distant.

Aurora sleeping during the 1st lockdown
Aurora sleeping during the 1st lockdown. Our rainbow child. Our everything.

Friends

I was also conscious that if friends were already struggling with lockdown and their own issues with depression then they certainly didn’t need me offloading onto them too or (as some friends have said previously) make them feel bad or guilty for their moans that they feel seem insignificant compared to mine.  In this global pandemic I didn’t want to make anyone feel any worse than they already did and everything is relative to you too.

i don’t do waiting…

As anyone who knows me will testify I don’t rest on my laurels!

I’ve spent my time up skilling and investing my time into my own travel business, that’s incidentally doing very well despite the pandemic.   My travel business is named Sarah Stephens Escapes because travel was the very thing that saved me after we lost Violet we “escaped” a lot and I learned how healing and therapeutic travel can actually be.  When I lost my clients in March 2020 I decided to embrace what I knew and what had saved me back then. I am so glad I did as it has helped me to remain positive throughout the majority of the pandemic and even though I can’t travel or as escape as much as I would like to I get to life vicariously through my clients.  I discovered I enjoy planning holidays for others as much as I do my own trips.

Sarah Stephens Escapes
www.sarahstephensescapes.com

I’m also back doing PR consultancy again and training/coaching others that I love too.

charity

Watch this space too as I have epic plans underway on the charity front to continue to build Violet’s legacy further and big plans for this blog to evolve too.  I have been busy in the last year…

The Violet Ball September 2018
The Violet Ball September 2018

JANUARY STRUGGLES

Sorry for the lack of posts in January (until now) as some of you may know the end of December and start of January is always hard for me as Arthur’s due date was 7th January so his birthday should have been around this period.  Always a tough time for me but this year made worse with the pandemic and friends sadly losing loved ones too.

HOPE AND KINDNESS

There is hope out there people please try to stay positive and to cling onto any glimmer of light you can find.  Another friends little boy was on the heart transplant list and fortunately some parents in their darkest hour agreed to donate their own child’s heart.  These kind and amazing souls may have saved the life of an spectacularly brave little 5 year old boy who has already, with his legendary mum, done so much good for the world.  Kindness still exists people so please continue to believe in the good out there and that this will prevail.

Event the darkest night ends
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise

Big hugs, stay safe,

Love

Sarah x

If you enjoyed this then you might enjoy reading –

The “Royal” Baby

There’s a baby in our house

Strange times

 

by Categories: arthur, corona virus, covid19, griefTags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

Low risk isn’t no risk

A friend of mine recently asked if I had been sent a letter saying I was high risk because I was self isolating from the start 5 weeks ago. I haven’t. Officially I am classed as low risk despite having a heart operation at the end of last year. My daughter who also has a congenital heart issues is classed as low risk too.

Regardless we have been isolating to the maximum for the last 5 weeks and will continue to do so.

colshawhall-lake-cheshire-violet-skies
Calm and still yet stormy – The lake at Colshaw Hall, Cheshire

Medical “experts”

I was told once before by medical “experts” that a daughter of mine should be treated as normal and wasn’t at increased risk of anything. She wouldn’t have any more reason to die than anyone else.  She died of the very thing they said not to worry about and the coroner said she has been at a greater compounded risk, so forgive me if I don’t trust the medical “experts” now especially given this is a new situation and a new virus they don’t really understand.

Make a mistake once…

and it becomes a lesson.  Make the same mistake twice and it becomes a choice.

My mistake was believing the medical experts when they said to treat my heart baby as a normal child.  She wasn’t a normal child.

Aurora-sleeping-21months-violet-skies
A Sleeping Aurora at 21 months

Not no risk

I’ve suffered the pain of losing not one but two children, so forgive me if I don’t want to risk losing another even if that risk is a low one.

Low risk means there is still a risk it’s not a no risk situation.   No one is at no risk of the corona virus remember that.

Is any risk worth it really?

What do you think?

Are you willing to gamble with these very high stakes?  I am not.

Stay safe everyone.  Hold your nearest and dearest close.

Big hugs

Sarah xx

Always Violet Skies

If you like this you might be interested in –

Lonely child

It’s not about you

The Conversation no one wants to have

Don’t survive thrive

 

 

 

by Categories: Childhood illness, corona virus, covid19, rainbow, UncategorizedTags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Lonely child

It makes me sad during this time of isolation that my little bubbly outgoing sociable girl often seems lonely desperate for the company of other children. Yes she has me and her dad with her but it isn’t the same as someone a similar age.

Aurora-at-door-nursery-bag-violet-skies
At the door with her nursery bag wanting to leave to see her friends

Waves excitedly

When she sees other children going passed our house on their bikes on the way to the park for their exercise or animatedly chatting holding hands she bangs on the window waving to them shouting hello. She wonders why these children are allowed to play together but she cannot join them.

It’s hard to explain to an almost two year old that those children are siblings so they are allowed to play together and visit the park with each other.

She should have a big sister

It makes me so sad because by rights she should have an older sister to play with. A big sister to run around the garden with and who would be able to relate a little more to her, rather than the two adults she finds herself spending 100% of her time with.

Violet would have been able to look at books with her, play on the slide in the garden and they could have sat together to create sculptural masterpieces from play doh.  Even just lounged together on their giant unicorn to watch TV.

Don’t get me wrong I grew up with siblings myself so understand all about the arguments but you know what I would like to have to break up those fights and solve the disputes rather than try to cure lone tantrums about wanting to see others.

brother-sister-cousins-violet-skies
Two of Aurora’s four cousins who she is missing at the moment.

Until now whenever I’ve gotten upset about her not having her sister here to play with I’ve taken comfort from the fact she has cousins she’s close to that she can grow up with. This current situation that stops her from seeing her cousins and indeed her friends reminds me how alone she really is.  I was lucky enough to grow up with a brother and a sister.

Facetime

Yes we can video call but she’s not overly interested in that. If we show her videos of her friends and cousins she watches them over and over finally tantruming when we stop her watching for the 100th time.

After seeing friends from a distance waving & chatting to them from the end of the driveway or over the fence she then has a tantrum because she’s not allowed to play with them. She’s even gotten her nursery bag taking it to the front door in an attempt to leave to go play with other children.

Adverse affects?

I fear that when this is all over our vivacious little girl might be a shy and reserved wallflower who has forgotten how to interact with her peers or other children.

Fun-in-garden-violet-skies
Playing in the garden

A close friend of mine who grew up as an only child once told me she wanted to have more than one child as growing up as she dreamed of having a sibling to play with. She said she used to feel envious watching me with my brother and sister wishing she could have the same.  I never really understood what she meant until now.

A new kind of grief

Watching my little girl cry and sob and tantrum because she wants to play with the children going passed our house breaks my heart.  Even more so that by rights she should have at least a big sister with her right now and actually she is the youngest of three.

Bottomlip-violet-skies
Sad in her pushchair as she watches siblings play and is told she can’t join them

It breaks my heart it really does.  It also reminds me of the difficult conversations that are coming in the future when she wants to know why she’s an only child and what happened to her older sister and brother.

Not alone

I recently came across someone else on instagram who is going through a very similar thing with their daughter and the isolation situation so I thought it was important to share this in case it might help even more out there to know they aren’t alone in this.

 

Big love

 

Sarah

Always Violet Skies

If you enjoyed reading this then you might like these –

Curve ball

It’s not about you

Don’t survive thrive

 

by Categories: corona virus, family, friends, grief, Mothering after loss, rainbow, Sisters, Uncategorized, VioletTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

It’s not about you

Yesterday I was in hospital with my daughter and they tried to take blood from her 5 times and failed.  It was horrendous having to hold her still while they inflicted pain onto her. Fortunately for her and me it was for some tests as an outpatient rather than them trying to get IV lines into her as a hospital admission.

Aurora-Fish-RMCH-Violet-Skies
Aurora with fish at RMCH

If you have been through this with your child you will know how distressing it is.  Even more so if you have been through it with a child for weeks to have them then die at the end. This experience brought back many harrowing memories of my daughter Violet for me and has made me want to write this article and I hope you will take a few minutes to read it here goes…

It is not about you

There seems to be some people still frequenting public places and still having social gatherings. Those who aren’t practicing social distancing with an “it won’t happen to me. I’m low risk anyway” attitude.

I implore you to share the hell out of this article and ask people to do one thing and read this to the end.

4 years ago

Nearly 4 years ago if you had have asked me if my daughter would die from pneumonia I’d have said “what no chance they have medicines and hospitals to prevent that”. But guess what?  She died and the hospital nor us could save her. Think about that for a moment.

A disease the hospital knew all about; one that’s been around for hundreds and hundreds of years. One of the best children’s hospitals in the UK couldn’t save the life of a toddler. Think about that.

Violet-watching-tv-RMCH-Violet-Skies
Violet 3.5 years ago watching TV in Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital (RMCH)

Now I don’t tell you this for pity or for you to feel sad please read on.

Everything and anything

If you had told me or my husband that to save her we’d need to sign away our houses. We would have done just that. If you had have asked us to give away all our belongings and sign away any future earnings then we’d have done that too. We would have literally given everything and done anything to save her our beloved daughter. I know the rest of my family and close friends would have also. Think about that for a second.

I still remember the nightmare day she died and I still have nightmares and visions of it 3.5 years later. Again I don’t want you to feel sad or pity for me, just to keep reading and thinking.

Violet-exhausted-RMCH-violet-skies
Violet asleep in Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital (RMCH)

As my daughter was taking her last breaths and the doctors were fighting to try to save her. Four of my family members including myself were in that very room. I remember we were begging at this point. Yes we were begging and pleading with her to muster the strength to fight. We were pleading with the doctors to save her. We were pleading with whatever higher power there might have been to save her, even if it meant trading our own lives instead. Think about that for a minute.

We would have traded our lives all four of them for her one fragile beautiful little soul.

Stay home

So that’s it folks that’s what I wanted you to read not for pity. For the realisation that all you have to do to save someone’s child (everyone is someone’s child) is for you to stay away from others. You keep your distance and stay inside your homes in order to save a child. That’s it. You don’t have to give your life for theirs just stay home or at a distance and wash your hands.

Yes I know some of us have lost our livelihoods and money so I don’t want to belittle that but remember what I said that we’d have happily given absolutely everything, including our own lives, to save our daughter.

Ask anyone who has lost someone they loved more than anything, whether a child, partner, parent, sibling or friend what they would do or give to get them back. It would be a lot more than simply them staying at home or away from other people.

Aurora-sand-pit-enjoying-life-violet-skies
Aurora digging in her sand pit after hospital yesterday

Hell

If it would bring my daughter back hell I’d move there. Yes to hell if she’d be alive again.

We’re not asking you to give everything or do a deal with the devil just stay home and away from others for maybe a few months. That’s it.

Isolation at this time will save lives and whilst you might think you’re ok it’s not about you. It really isn’t about you right now.

Do it for those you love because take it from me hell is going on living when someone you love more than life itself isn’t.   It can happen to you too I’m proof of that.

Trade your time for a life. For the life of a child.

Thanks for reading and thinking.  Thanks for your time.

Big love & hugs (virtual of course)

Sarah xxx

Other posts you might want to read are –

Don’t just survive thrive

Curve balls

Surviving after child loss

by Categories: Childhood illness, corona virus, family, friends, Ill child, Sickness, UncategorizedTags: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments