Lost mojo & a birthday or two

I’ve not written a blog post for a fair few weeks (well over a month!) because to be honest I just couldn’t be bothered.

I wondered if anyone was actually reading these and so whether I should continue or not.

 

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Then I did a few extremely honest captions on instagram and got a fair few comments back from people telling me thank you, as what I said really resonated with them too. Someone also thanked me for making them feel less alone and that they reached out to find my blog when they were at their lowest ebb.  That my blog showed them they could move on too and that there was a glimmer of hope at the end of the apocalypse that is child loss.

I’m back… did you miss me? (don’t answer that!)

So I am back again with my ramblings and I hope you will find them insightful.  I’m also going to re-jig my website a little over the coming months so posts are easier to search for and to find.

I know a fair few of us have found the last 3 months especially difficult as we adjust to a new way of life, perhaps facing new financial pressures leading to a change of outlook, lifestyle or having to rethink career or business goals.

I have tried my hardest to be positive about the situation even though work dried up, my birthday was in lockdown and we spent the majority of 3 months isolating to keep our toddler safe.

Drinking-wine-lockdown-violet-skies
Anyone else enjoy a glass of wine in lockdown?

I volunteered my time to help the lonely elderly by making regular phone calls to them to give them a caring ear and someone who cared.  I also gave some of my PR assistance for free to help charities out including setting up one to help benefit those struggling from lockdown who are self-employed missing out on government support.

Missing family and friends I found hard along with valuable social interaction for the greater good.

Lockdown easing

Now as lockdown eases a little, we have decided to venture out more to open spaces, parks and to meet friends and family, observing social distancing of course. This I find really does help my mood and improves perspective too.

Etherowpark-2020-violet-skies
Etherow country park -Summer 2020

I do feel as though I’ve also been a crap friend too over the last 3 months as I’ve been struggling somewhat but hope to make it up to you all during the rest of the year.

5th Birthday

I’m thankful that lockdown had eased as this week it was Violet’s 5thbirthday, meaning that we could visit her grave and even more lovely was the fact that Chester Zoo reopened on her birthday.  We sponsor the elephants there in her memory so like to visit them to remember her and this we got to do yesterday.  It helped to make a very painful day a little brighter.

Anger

I still find I have a great deal of anger at the world because of Violet’s loss and my soul aches as though part of it has been ripped away.

I often think about what she would have been like as a 5 year old.  What would she look like and sound like?  What would she enjoy doing?  How would she be?

What-would-she-be-like-at-5-violet-skies
Would this be what Violet & Aurora would be like if she was here?

Positive things

I try to focus on the positives and doing good deeds for others to try to spread the joy that Violet embodied.  She brought a calm stillness to those she met like a master of Zen, pretty rare in a baby.

We are paying for a 5 year olds school uniform in Violet’s memory to help a family who are struggling.  I have also made up little party bags that will be delivered to friends this week to hopefully make them smile and spread some joy.  Once again we have renewed sponsorship of the elephants at the zoo too.  Some kind people have also donated to her fund so Alder Hey will once again benefit from Violet’s legacy.

Memories

It was lovely that quite a few friends and family remembered Violet on her birthday, surprisingly lots of people who never met her sent messages of support and even flowers.

Happy-5th-birthday-violet-skies
Violet’s 5th birthday graveside 

I do find it additionally upsetting & heartbreaking though that lots of people who did know her very well didn’t remember or acknowledge her birthday. This makes it all the more painful for us.

At the end of the day the greatest comfort you can give to the parent of loss is to remember and talk about their child especially on their birthday.

Failing as a mum of loss

My mission as a mum of loss is to try to keep her memory alive and when those who were close to her fail to remember she existed I feel as though I am failing as her mother.

Please remember this with anyone in your life that has suffered the loss of a child or a spouse or sibling.  A simple text message can mean the world to them.  They want more than anything to bring their loved one back and one way to do this is via memories so help them to remember the positives.

Remember this

I’ve been watching comedy to take my mind off things and this I thought was quite poignant by Jason Manford

“Just because you’re struggling it doesn’t mean you are failing”  I will try to remember this.

Take care and spread the love if you can

Love

Sarah

Always Violet Skies

If you enjoyed reading this you might be interested in –

Why low risk isn’t no risk

Lonely child

The conversation no one wants to have

It’s not about you

Party girl…

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At this time of the year my sleep (when I get any as my rainbow isn’t sleeping well and yes I get the irony given her name Aurora!) is peppered with a variety of different dreams all following the same subject.

Dream parties

It is always planning and arranging a birthday party. This year it’s one for a 4 year old as Violet would have turned four this June.

Violet’s 1st & only birthday – she loved it!

So far I’ve dreamt about lots of party themes including flower fairy tea party, puppy and kitten party, sleepover pamper party, Disney strictly dancing party, trolls theme, unicorn sparkles…

I think Violet would have loved Unicorns!

The dreams are all enjoyable in the main as I usually wake when the party is all set up ready before any guests arrive but I become upset when I actually wake realising that Violet isn’t here and I dreamt the whole thing.

Nightmares

Occasionally the dreams turn into a nightmare like last night when her little friends all started arriving with presents and balloons excited for the party to come. They were all asking where Violet the birthday girl was and we searched and searched shouting but she was nowhere to be seen. All her friends broke down crying and screaming then I woke up.

When I finally fell back to sleep again I started to organise a pool party in a hired swimming pool and so my dream party cycle began again.

Birthday balloons

Party girl to the core

I am a party girl at heart after all.  I guess it’s a way my PR brain tries to be proactive in processing things and it could be worse I could keep writing the same press release over and over!  

If anyone needs a kids party planning and arranging then just let me know, especially if it’s for a four year old as I can literally do one for you in my sleep! Violet would have had the best parties and I can assure you so will her sister.

Last year planning the Violet ball helped to halt these dreams, so I may have to start up plans for the Violet ball 2020, anyone fancy coming?

Love

Sarah x

Always Violet Skies 

Here are some other blog posts you might find interesting –

When you get your rainbow what then?

Mothering after loss

Making over Motherhood