Mothering after loss

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This week has been a really challenging one for me because my baby has been properly poorly for the first time.  Yes we’ve had teething pain, the odd tummy bug and reflux issues but this time she has a very nasty cold bug that’s affected her chest too.

Now you might be thinking having to look after a sick baby is hard for any mother or parent and yes it is but when you’ve previously had a baby get sick and then die it makes the experience all the more stressful.  Especially when your other baby died of lung problems and now your new baby is choking and coughing in her sleep.

The doctor has said it’s just a cold so you’d think just give the child some calpol and vapour rub and get on with it.

Well just getting on with it is easier said than done. My hubby was also away so I was flying solo too (hats off to all those single parents out there you deserve medals!).

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Poorly little girl but check out that fabulous curl!

The reality was that I didn’t get any sleep at all. Part of the night she was awake distressed after coughing and wanting cuddles. The rest of the night she slept in fits and starts repeatedly coughing and choking in her sleep. Cue mummy leaping out of bed every time, sprinting across the room to lift her head and rub her back trying to ensure she didn’t breathe any phlegm back into her lungs.

Of course I also put a folded blanket under her mattress to ensure she was tilted to help with congested breathing, a tip we learnt from caring for her sister.

The following day aurora was still not herself so whilst most mummy’s might have tried to nap whilst baby did. I held her propped up while she slept so preventing her from choking on any phlegm and ensuring when she did cough that she definitely coughed or vomited outwards. Her sister they think breathed vomit into her lungs so this is now our worst nightmare for Aurora.

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After a loooong 24 hours of hardly any sleep and at last she sleeps!

You might wonder why I’m even taking the time to tell you all this and whilst I don’t want to over share or make anyone feel sorry for me. I’m thankful for my baby and don’t want to complain but lots of people think once you finally get your rainbow baby then that’s it job done. Well it’s only just begun really.

The stress and worry now Aurora is ill is unbearable as when I do manage sleep I get flashbacks of her sister, Violet, in hospital and immediately after she died.

Most parents will stress and worry about their babies for their entire lives, that bit isn’t a new phenomena, but I guess most believe their child dying won’t happen to them. These things always happen to other people. Well when the unthinkable has happened to you already then you’re more likely to worry that it will happen again.

I’ve seen what hell looks like and I’ve experienced unspeakable pain.  I have sat by the side of a hospital bed for days and nights on end.  I have had to hold my screaming baby down while she is tortured by doctors with needles and tubes all trying to do their jobs.  I’ve stifled back my own crying and sobs so as not to distress my poorly child.  I’ve told my crying child that all of this is to make them better and lied that they will be ok.  I’ve begged and pleaded with emergency intensive care teams not to give up on resuscitation but nothing is worse than the nightmare of your baby actually dying.

You can’t un-see or forget your dead baby’s face. How their cold lifeless body felt? How clammy the skin? How soulless their eyes? Almost like a doll has been made of them. They don’t seem real somehow.  I can tell you that hell is watching your child in pain, being tortured and then them die.  Then you have to arrange their funeral before somehow going on with your life.

I never ever want to go back there again thank you.  If to ensure that doesn’t happen it takes staying awake to check Aurora throughout the night then so be it.  If I have to hold her while she sleeps then I will do.  Anything I need to do I will do it.

I also keep having to repeat the same mantra over and over in my head.

“This is a different baby. A different person. She isn’t the same. ”

To all those parents out there with rainbow babies or those caring for children who are sick my hat goes off to you too.  Sometimes it’s tough being a parent.

Big love

Sarah – Violet Skies

Have you read these other posts about Rainbow babies?

When you finally get your rainbow what then?

Distraction number 1

Luck, God or just random shit

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