Meeting an old friend

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Like most people I love bumping into people I haven’t seen for a while.  Someone I used to speak to or deal with all the time perhaps through work or a project and who has simply drifted away.  Now in these modern times, thanks to social media, quite a lot of these people are still kept up to date on the happenings in my life. They are aware of the sadness of recent times, however there are occasionally still a few that slip through the net.

Catch up

I met up with someone recently who I hadn’t seen for 5 years and initially I was so pleased to have ran into them, eagerly accepting the offer of a coffee in a nearby café.  Then as I waited for them to get served with our brews my heart sank, as I realized the conversation I was about to have with them. I could forecast the surprised look then sadness before there would be pity and sorrow for my loss.  Yes they would be sympathetic and the usual comments of “I’m so sorry” and “how have you coped” would be expressed.  They would mention their kids and how they couldn’t imagine the pain of ever losing them. Then our entire conversation would take a different turn.

He brought the coffee and tea back.

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I secretly challenged myself to see how long I could last before I would have to deliver the bad news to him. I asked him lots of questions, first about what had happened in the past 5 years in his life. He told me about his children growing up and how they were doing at school. About their different personalities with so much joy and passion proud of the people they were becoming.

My story

Then he asked “what about me” and I told him first about the happy things; our house, getting married, travelling the world and our three children. About Violet, Arthur and Aurora, then about the loss of two of them. I finished on a happy note talking about Violet’s fund, Aurora and our hope for the future.

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Me and Aurora upset as she had to have her coat on.

I’m now adept at delivering the proverbial sandwich with the shitty grief filling in the middle.

Avoidance

It’s very easy for me to simply avoid catching up with people and avoid setting dates to meet up for fear that I’ll have to have the awkward conversation about what has happened in my life.   Don’t get me wrong I’m getting better at delivering it now but somedays it is still very hard for me having to relive it over again along with the associated emotion.

I hate being thought of as “that girl” and “oh poor Sarah” as that’s certainly not me.  My loss doesn’t define me as a person.  Yes it may have shaped me into the person I am today and yes I feel the affects of that change every second of every minute but I’m still me.

I just wish I could hand that old friend an overview of what’s happened instead and say “here’s an update on me please read it and then we will grab a coffee to catch up”.  That way I don’t have to relive anything repeating myself and having to observe their reactions too.  It’s a little weird though and cold I guess so not me.

What do you think?  How would you tell people if you were me?

All suggestions welcome!

Love

Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

You might find these blog posts interesting –

Lonely

When you finally get your rainbow what then?

Making over Motherhood

Grief is like being Ship wrecked

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This time of year we find a little tricky because this is the week our baby Arthur was due to be born, and although we marked his official first birthday and day he died in September, I still feel a little tug that says we should be having a first birthday party for him in early January.

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Our little boy Arthur

Why is grief harder for a TFMR?

Grieving for Arthur I find harder and more complicated than I do for Violet as the situation is much more complex:

  • We never knew Arthur not properly. Yes I felt him move and kick inside me (a lot) but we never got to met him alive.
  • We were the ones who decided to end his life prematurely based on medical facts and delivered him early sleeping. The hardest decision we’ve ever made.
  • The bittersweet this is that if we hadn’t decided to lose Arthur when we did then we wouldn’t have had Aurora and she wouldn’t be here today. So that is hard to swallow – how can you feel sad about someone who led to the creation of someone else?

Thank you Arthur

Anyway I saw my counselor this week and she said we should thank Arthur for giving us Aurora so tonight we will toast our little boy.  She also passed me a really lovely article that was taken from a guy called GSnow’s Reddit account.  Some of the original isn’t really relevant to child loss so I have edited it somewhat and also added some of my own words but you can read the full piece he wrote here.

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The Bay of Kotor

Grief is like being Ship wrecked

“As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating for me luckily it was my husband and we clung to each other. Some of my family and friends also floated nearby providing sustenance for us to carry on. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

At the start

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, seeing another young family similar to yours on the street, the sound of a baby crying. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Eventually…

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or a family gathering. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out. Occasionally the wave can come from no where and totally overwhelm you but again you rise up, gasp and breathe again.

The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too.”

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Sunset over Auckland

Dianne Oxberry

I started to write and plan this article before I read the sad news today about local BBC newsreader Dianne Oxberry who sadly passed away.  I have lots of friends who were her friends and everyone who met her spoke fondly of her, so this article is dedicated to her friends and family.  May you ride the storm of grief and find some lovely memories from the beautiful ship to cling to.  If you know those close to her please help them to stay afloat.  Do this through kindness and compassion.

Big love and hugs,

Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

You might enjoy these blog posts –

More of a mother – does a natural birth make you more of a mother?

Somewhere after the rainbow – what happens if you lose your rainbow?

Mothering after loss

Guilt when a mother of loss

A broken heart

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All I want for Christmas is… keyhole surgery – doesn’t really have that nice a ring to it does it?

For those of you who don’t know I have a broken heart, and no I’m not talking about the metaphorical one I’m always bleating on about after having lost two babies, but my actual physical heart.

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My discovery

I discovered it after I had lost Violet and was in the early stages of pregnancy with my first rainbow baby Arthur. I kept having dizzy spells and after my GP diagnosed an inner ear infection months earlier I thought nothing else about it until I saw a private consultant about something else and mentioned it. He said it sounded more like a blood pressure thing and so let’s check your heart. He did and low and behold it seems I have a congenital heart defect an ASD or hole in layman’s terms.

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Of course I have a broken heart

I just remember laughing when he told me and said “of course I have a broken heart my daughter just died”. He explained it’s probably been there since birth but I’d just not had the symptoms accurately diagnosed before.

He read all the symptoms to me and they are basically all the symptoms every new mother has. They include lethargy, tiredness, weakness, dizzy spells (which are common for me due to low blood pressure – Olympic athlete level) and breathlessness.

Exhaustion

Even pre-baby I had lots of these all the time but I just assumed I was unfit (even when I attended a gym and had a dog so walked hills regularly) i often felt exhausted but put that down to being lazy & having an insanely mad busy job.  Now I see there was clearly an underlining reason I hated PE at school, why I was rubbish at sport and maybe it was instinct that told me to cheat at cross country so I didn’t have to run? Apparently if I’d been an extreme sport enthusiast or a marathon runner I’d have collapsed.

Anyway this week I headed into hospital to have a much needed MRI scan (since the issue was spotted I have been pregnant pretty much ever since 😆 with my two rainbow babies so couldn’t have a scan). They are now deciding how to fix it, as if I don’t it will begin to deteriorate further and then will be unrepairable. So big moment really will it be a keyhole procedure or full open heart rib breaking surgery?

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Meh

It’s now dawning on me that this is a huge thing as I’ve always just shrugged it off with a meh what will be will be but now I’m like “oh shit let’s hope it’s not full open heart I need”? Quite like my rib cage as it is.

The black humour part of me says they’re going to fix my broken heart well good luck with that one what are they going to do bring Violet back? I wish! 💜 here’s hoping for good news from the specialist this Christmas.

What are you wishing for this Christmas?

Love Sarah xx

Always Violet Skies

You might enjoy reading these posts too –

A literal broken heart

Motherhood after loss

Making over motherhood

Barcelona beach break?

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I never thought of Barcelona having beaches before. Yes I knew of a beach resort outside the city called Sitges but in the two times I have visited the city of Barcelona I never realised they also had beautiful sandy beaches.

Why we were there

My hubby was invited to attend a conference in the city for work and so I decided that baby and me would tag along for a few days to get some much needed vitamin D.

His conference was on the outskirts of the city centre in a residential area close to the port and opposite the museum of natural history. It was also virtually on the beach.

Weather

The weather in early December was 18 or 19 degrees which if you’re Mediterranean is Baltic but for a British person that’s summer! As most Spaniards thought it was cold the beaches, and yes there are more than one, were virtually empty on what we’d class in England as a gloriously sunny day.  They also have beaches that are well kitted out with showers, toilets & play equipment so great for families.

The plus point of Barcelona over a more traditional beach place in Spain such as the Costa del Sol or one of the islands is the fact it’s Barcelona! So you have lovely beaches but in the evening you have all the delights of a big cosmopolitan city and if you’re bored of the beach you can look around the sights of the city.

Culture in Barcelona

Having been to Barcelona a few times before I’d been around the city to the usual tourist places like Las Ramblas, the Gothic Quarter and the Park Guell – Gaudi’s fantastical Park. Even though I’d seen the Basilica de la Sagrada Família from the outside I’d never been in. The queues were always hours long. The beauty of visiting in December is there were no queues for any of the big tourist attractions- brilliant!

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Basilica de la Sagrada Familia

I think it’s fair to say the cathedral blew us away once we got into it. I can only describe it as Star Wars like as it was so other worldly but the stand out thing for me were the stain glass windows that had Picasso style artwork in their design. A unique blend of colours and shades that perfectly made use of the light coming into the building. I would love to spend a full day in the cathedral watching how the windows react to the different light in the day. So beautiful I highly recommend a visit and to think at the moment it isn’t even finished.

Barcelona Cathedral

After visiting this extremely famous Goudi place of worship we then went and visited another more ancient place.  The original Barcelona Cathedral, or Cathedral of the Holy Cross and Saint Eulalia, to give it its official name. Located in the Gothic quarter it was again a place I hadn’t visited before because the queues were far too long. This one was built in the 13thand 14thcenturies.  We lit 10 candles here to remember Violet, Arthur, my Nan, friend Alethea and other friends who are going through a bad time. Amazing architecture and a huge achievement when you think it was built without modern day technology. The Basilica de la Sagrada Familia will probably take as long to be built (currently scheduled for completion in 2026) and the builders now have every bit of technology.

Aurora loved both buildings and gazed amazed at the beautiful ceilings and windows.  It was so peaceful and although I’m not religious I love the calming atmosphere in these buildings as though they have absorbed the love they have witnessed over the years.

Jet2 great with babies!

I also need to mention how amazing Jet2 are when travelling with babies. The cabin crew were brilliant helping us with bags onto the plane and then taking baby for cuddles while we got our luggage into the overhead lockers.  They were 100% better than when I’ve flown with EasyJet and Ryanair. Who I’ve listed in order of horrendousness with Ryanair being the worst offender.

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Aurora enjoying her first flight experience

In short I’d highly endorse a winter sun break to Barcelona so get looking at those Jet2 flight deals now.

Happy flying

Love Sarah x

Tis the season to be jolly

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Well not for lots of people it isn’t. People who are alone, homeless, financially struggling, have mental health issues or who have lost someone dear to them it’s often a time of year they dread.

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Violet’s one and only Christmas morning

For us we face another Christmas without our little girl who’d be an excitable 3 year old this year and our little boy for whom it’d be a first Christmas. My husband will experience another year without his beloved father who died just before becoming a grandpa, a role we know he’d have excelled at. This year however, unlike the last two years, will be bittersweet for us as we now have our gorgeous little rainbow baby Aurora who will be 5 months old.

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Violet in her Christmas jumper and matching trousers!

The first year after we lost Violet we actually couldn’t face Christmas at all so a lovely friends parents’ leant us their holiday home in the Caribbean and my mum treated us to flights so we could escape the whole season for 2 weeks. We were very fortunate to have such wonderful friends and family that could afford to help us escape in this way. I know others often aren’t as lucky and may choose to escape through shutting the world out at home. Or maybe their escape is immersing themselves in other people and going through the motions of Christmas, perhaps if they have other children then they have no choice.

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Me with Violet this time 3 years ago.  Photo taken by the amazing @hollygoeslightly

Last Christmas we spent with family who happened to also be going through a hard time, albeit for a different reason, as we wanted to do what families should do and be there for one another. Although we did escape for New Years and what should have been our Arthur’s due date, as we couldn’t face that so we booked cheap flights and headed off to Morocco.

This year will be the first year we don’t escape Christmas or New Years, instead we are inviting family to spend it with us. We will wake up with an excitable 4 year old niece on Christmas morning and it will be a first Christmas for our littlest nephew as well as our daughter. The fact that we can help to make it a magical day for my niece and nephew, I think will help us to get through it.

What’s sad is this year the kind family who helped us to escape that first Christmas have just suffered a devastating loss themselves so this festive time will now be especially hard for them. Our hearts go out to them this year.

Our motto is that if you are able to celebrate Christmas this year then embrace your family or loved ones. Make the most of every second because you have no idea what the future holds. Also if you can help to make someone else’s Christmas better or easier this year then do it. Whether you donate to a local food bank, drop Christmas presents into a charity looking after disadvantaged children or just invite your elderly neighbours round for Christmas dinner, nothing says Christmas like looking after those who are suffering by easing their pain or helping them to also have a nice experience, even if for one day only.

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Me & Violet with my brother & sister with their little ones 3 years ago

I can’t wait to hear all your lovely stories of goodwill and sharing. I’ve heard lots already, as I’m blessed with lots of amazingly kind people in my life. So far there are tales of people stocking food banks with so much food they can feed many families over the 3 days of Christmas. Those who fundraise and collect donations for presents for underprivileged children. Some have collected blankets for the homeless.  Keep up the good work. They say money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around well I say the same can be said for kindness.

Sending big hugs to you all and I can’t wait to hear more heartwarming stories.

Love

Sarah x

When you finally get your rainbow baby what then…

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Most people I meet now, after they’ve recoiled from the shock of hearing I’m a mother of three but only one child is alive, say things like “oh third time lucky then” or “at least it’s all worked out in the end”  Urmmm no it clearly hasn’t all worked out in the end has it? Has my daughter Violet suddenly sprung back to life?

Rainbow pregnancy

When I was pregnant with Aurora people could understand why I might have been anxious and there’s even a term for it PAL or pregnancy after loss but once your rainbow baby is here then people assume that’s it and you must be feeling better now. The grief over child loss must be over now you have another baby surely? You can move on and avoid dwelling in the past.

I’m a mother of three

Well unfortunately it’s not that simple you see, yes I may have another living baby now but I still had two other children before her and just like those with more than one child. When you have a new baby you don’t throw your old one away and forget about them do you? Or you shouldn’t.  If you do then social services rightly get involved. So why should it be different for angel babies? Why forget about them? How can we forget about them?

Moving on?

I don’t blame people who think I must have moved on though, as suddenly they see me out and about with my new baby actually smiling and resembling someone who’s happy. I guess I am happy fleetingly which is an improvement but it’s now as though I’m on a permanent roller coaster. Aurora smiles or babbles at me equals on a high then she looks at me in a certain way & I see her sister Violet in her equals unimaginable high & then immediate low.

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Side swipes

I still get side swiped daily by emotions but different ones from before. Seeing a mother cooing over a baby no longer makes me want to cry for the loss of Arthur although I admit seeing mums with little boys gives me a pang of pain. Now it happens when I see parents of multiple children walking with them all to the park. Brother and sisters playing and arguing together. Family lifestyle photo shoots of the whole family looking happy together in autumnal leaves (yes I do live in Chorlton! Lol). Even at Halloween cute sibling photos of older ones taking their toddler brother or sister trick or treating for the first time pour salt onto my wound.

Autumn photoshoot - Ian Scott Photography
Credit ianscottphotography.co.uk

Imagination

I find myself trying to imagine what Violet would look like now aged 3.5 and what she’d think of her little sister. How would they interact? When Aurora is bigger what arguments would they have about minor things? I find it hard to imagine and to think of Violet as anything more than a baby, almost toddler. I find that upsetting too. Her sister will never know her. I can’t imagine life without my sister so now I feel a new level of grief for Aurora for the big sister she will never know or experience.

The hallway of family photos we have where the sisters may sit side by side in different frames but never actually occupy the same one. There will be photos of Aurora getting older, fingers crossed, next to the same photos of her big sister who will eternally be a toddler.  That will be a concept I’m sure Aurora when she’s older will struggle to get her head around, how can a baby be her big sister?

Family photoshoot - Manchester Photography courses
Family photoshoot – credit Manchester Photography courses

I wonder what Violet would have been like today and what she’d have thought of her baby sister?  Do you ever wonder what if?  I do every moment of every day.

Love Sarah

Always Violet Skies x

A Magical Woodland

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When I heard about this magical woodland event I was excited to attend with my family, including my 4-year-old niece and baby nephew too.  I hoped it would live up to expectations and we weren’t disappointed.

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Some of the girls in my family

The entrance

The lighting was breathtaking with different themes in various areas of the woodland. Special LED effects, changing colours, laser lights and hanging orbs made the park a sensory experience.  The musical choice made it feel as though you were entering a Harry Potter-esque world so felt truly magical as we entered the wood.

The woodland

Several paths wound their way through different sensory experiences to a central campfire area where you could purchase marshmallows on sticks to toast around the fire and there were a few food stalls there too selling hotdogs, mulled wine and sweets.  The gooey toasted marshmallows certainly went down well with my niece Evelyn.

Aqua rhythm

One of the highlights in the woodland was the Aqua Rhythm water fountain.   Jets of water danced to along to music and a laser light show accompanied it.  Evelyn and other children stood transfixed in front of it for quite some time.  My baby nephew, 8 months old, watched it from his pram wide eyed so this proved a sensory hit for babies too.

Owls

Just beyond the “Heart of the Woodland” there was an owl marquee so children can find out about and see owls up close. This included a Little Owl that proved a hit with Evelyn who wanted to take it home.

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Educational

It was also a fun educational experience as there were some great interactive puzzles and games for children and adults alike interspersed around the woodland.   The favourite for Evelyn was a game that distorted your voice and she spent quite some time making various bodily sounds through it finding it hilarious when it returned the noise with added depth!

Magic

There was a flamboyant chap in a flashing top hat that my niece described as “clearly a magician”, who introduced himself as a physicist so she was close!  He demonstrated to us the concept of a sonic boom using a giant sized Newton’s Cradle style pendulum, that was lit up so as the balls swung they lit up the sky around them.  The sonic boom you could hear rumble throughout the woodland.  It was an amazingly fun way to introduce children to scientific concepts, it made me think they need to invest in one of these giant Newton’s cradles at the Concorde visitors centre to explain more clearly this concept to children.

The rainforest area had dry ice that emulated mist and bird/insect sound effects to accompany the lighting that transitioned into different colours.  I found this area to be the most relaxing in the woodland. Whereas my niece said she found it spooky and when there was a load rumble from the sonic boom she jumped out of her skin, proving this is also a great experience to bring your kids to for Halloween!

Dry weather

We were fortunate to have really beautiful autumn weather, it was pretty mild and dry which was good as we had two prams with us. If it had been wet we would have struggled to push them round the site. So if you go when it is wet or after heavy rain I’d suggest taking a baby carrier instead to manoeuvre round the hills.

Summary

We had planned to spend an hour there but ended up spending just over two hours. There really was so much to experience we lost all track of time.  It proved a great way to tire out little and big ones. It was excellent exercise walking them up and down hills. Evelyn also ran off to climb on tree trunks and play with the interactive games too.

We had a wonderful time in the woodland it really was magical and my niece didn’t want to leave. We would highly recommend visiting before the experience finishes.

For more information and tickets which start from £12.50 click here

You might be interested in these posts –

Family beach break to Barcelona

A weekend in Switzerland

Planning travels

Life after child loss

Baby Loss Awareness Week

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Some of you who read this blog, know me or just follow me on social media may be aware that my daughter Violet died at the end of September but what you might not realise is that her funeral coincided with baby loss awareness week 2016.  The second anniversary of that is today.

2016

At the start of this week in 2016 we got the news that the coroner was releasing her body so we had to finalise things with the funeral directors and to make arrangements for her funeral, including making decisions like cremation or burial. We decided to bury her because I couldn’t face the idea of my baby being burned. Crazy I know as she was dead already but I still felt as though I was protecting her little body by burying her instead. Then we had to decide where to bury her and to pick a plot.

Choosing a burial plot

We decided on southern cemetery as it was close to where we live and there are lots of important and respected people resting there. I know it seems ridiculous but I felt as though she’d be in good company alongside Elizabeth Gaskell and Anthony Wilson – if it’s good enough for them then…. 

I remember us visiting Southern Cemetery and one of their team taking us to show us the baby section of the cemetery. They explained there was only one of these tiny plots left beside the road going through the cemetery. It was a small plot surrounded by other little baby graves. Next to it was a communal baby grave shared by many that must have had them all stacked on top of each other as though they were on a supermarket shelf. It made me feel ill and I decided over my own dead body would she be buried here.

Investing in the future

I asked the cemetery man was there not anywhere else and he said we could have a family burial plot but that would be more expensive. I said “fine she’s not being buried at the side of a road even if I need to put it onto a credit card”. I asked him to show us what they had available. He showed us several plots and one was under a big cherry tree opposite the grave of Kirsty Howard, the amazing girl who was so brave and raised so much money for Francis House. I said that one would do. None of the plots were acceptable or perfect because my baby being dead wasn’t acceptable. Our final choice was simply the least offensive and I strangely felt comforted knowing that Kirsty would be her neighbour. I hoped being kind and compassionate that she would look after my little girl.

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Violet’s grave

The funeral plan

In the middle of Baby Loss Awareness week 2016 I wrote Violet’s eulogy.  I wanted to ensure her send off did her memory justice and that everyone would know exactly who she was and would understand why we loved her, as much as we did.  We selected her favourite songs for her funeral, a close friend agreed to give the service for us and we thought about what she would like. I know she was only 15 months old but she had very strong opinions and preferences on things. She loved balloons so we asked everyone to bring a balloon to her service. She liked to make people smile so we arranged for all the balloons to be collected then taken to the children’s hospital and her nursery.  We set up her fund in this week too for Alder Hey hospital’s cardiac surgery fund and asked people to donate to it.

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A photo my brother took behind him in the chapel at Violet’s service.  So many people cared & some were stood outside

Funeral day

The day of her funeral, the 14thOctober, was the penultimate day of baby loss week 2016. I remember it was a crisp autumn day with blue skies and sunshine, even though there had been bad weather forecast we only had high winds that day. I went through the day in a bit of a trance almost as though I was an outsider looking in and I carried the angel bear that I had been sent the day before. I cuddled and sobbed into the bear throughout the service. The bear was a gift from an amazing little charity called Heart to Heart UK that also gifts bravery bears to children undergoing heart surgery.  Their gift really helped me.

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My angel bear

Wave of Light

The day after Violet’s funeral was the last day of baby loss awareness week. All around the world people lit candles at 7pm creating a wave of light in memory of all the babies lost. We lit a candle in our empty quiet house full of sympathy flowers and cards then we cried some more and had a drink.

Decisions, Decisions…

I decided to write about our week in 2016 because sometimes you don’t think about what parents have to go through logistically just after their baby dies. You almost forget that they have to make important decisions during this most horrendous time.  Decisions about choosing a funeral director and whether to bury or cremate? What to do for a service? Whether to ask people to donate to charity and if so which one? All these things would be difficult enough if your child hadn’t just died but they have. The world as you know it has just ended. The most important person in your world has gone and you have to make these decisions.

So please join in with celebrating the end of child loss awareness week by lighting a candle at 7pm on Monday to join the wave of light. Also have a drink with us as we mark the end of the anniversary of probably one of the most difficult weeks of our lives.

Thinking of our lost babies Violet and Arthur this week but about our darling daughter today.  The day we laid her to rest with music, balloons and colour just how she would have wanted.

Love

Sarah

Always Violet Skies x

Luck, God or just random shit?

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I don’t know if I believe in luck.  I stopped believing in God as a teenager when I saw the suffering in the world and learnt more about science and history.  I then liked to believe in everything being made from energy and read a lot of books like “The Secret” that talked about putting positive energy out there to get the same back.  Similar to Karma in what comes around goes around.

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I still have a fondness for churches.  Here’s Hallgrimskirkja in Reykjavik, Iceland

Energy and Karma

The energy, karma and positivity mantra was the way I always lived my life.  Some people believe in God but I have liked to believe in the ancient energy of mother earth, not in a chanting naked around Stonehenge way, but the idea that we’re all made of energy always seemed more scientific and therefore believable.

Violet is born

Violet came along and we were told at her 20-week scan about her heart defect and that it was bad luck.  She was an undiagnosed breach baby and I had her naturally afterwards we were again told “oh you had very bad luck there”.  Then Violet got her heart fixed by surgeons at Alder Hey hospital and all the time we channeled positive energy.  Other family members and friends prayed for her in a multitude of different faiths.

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The Priory in Cartmel a stunningly beautiful place

Her surgery was a permanent fix.  People told us how lucky she and we were that she survived but we thanked science and the talented people at Alder Hey.  We continued to think in a positive way and raised funds from our belated wedding reception for Ronald McDonald House to thank them for their support of us in providing accommodation when Violet was in hospital.

Violet sick again

Then when Violet got sick again being admitted into Manchester Children’s Hospital we continued to channel positivity and friends/family prayed again for her.  After just over a week she seemed to turn a corner, we rejoiced and thanked everyone, mother earth, God, everyone’s prayers were answered…but then she suddenly died.  When we got her post mortem results, and then over 18 months later an inquest verdict, to be told she was just very unlucky and she died from something so extremely rare that no one could believe it.

Arthur

We then got pregnant again with Arthur our rainbow and were told at his 20-week scan that he had irreparable brain damage and once again told that we were just very unlucky again.

Karma is fake

Now if I was to believe in karma both of these things should have been lucky instead. I’m the person that buys food for random homeless people and sometimes helps them even further, for example I bought a homeless guy a sleeping bag in winter when he was sat sobbing because someone beat up and robbed him.  Over the years I have raised thousands for charity.  I’ve also only ever had rescue animals and do the middle class thing of sponsoring a child in Africa, so whilst I don’t do this as a quid pro quo or usually tell people whenever I do something kind, I should have a lot of good karma saved up right there. So I think the loss of my two children shows this karma thing is pure nonsense as for luck well….

As for God

As for God…I know lots of people who have lost children and are comforted by their faith. I on the other hand can’t believe in anyone or anything that can cause that kind of pain for anyone.  The pain my child suffered in hospital in the weeks before she died, and that of other children suffering in hospital too, means if there is a God then he is a cruel unkind one, so why worship him/her?   I actually in a way admire those child loss survivors who do still believe, as they’re certainly stronger in their faith than I am.

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We still light candles for our babies when we travel just in case – here’s the inside of St Ann’s Church in Manchester the epicentre of the city

Positive thinking

I still try to think positively, as it helps me to cope day to day but I do it more because I think that Violet wouldn’t want me to be upset or negative and me being miserable and negative isn’t going to bring Violet and Arthur back. I also now have the adorable Aurora to care for so need to be the best version of me for her sake.

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An autumnal walk in the park with colds and coughs hoping the fresh air does us good

Kindness and compassion

I believe kindness, compassion and good manners aren’t exclusive to those who are religious and my experiences over the last few years have shown me that often these qualities can be missing just as easily from a religious person as they can be present in an atheist.  I like to treat people with kindness and respect regardless of who they are. Blame my mother for this one as she clearly raised us well.

So to summarize I’m not sure what I believe anymore and maybe as one of my extremely clever friends said, “perhaps life is just a lot of random shit that just happens and if you survive then you either learn to deal with it or you don’t end of”. Not quite as eloquent as Forrest Gump’s “life is like a box of chocolates” but I can really identify with my friends version.  If religion is how you learn to deal with life’s challenges then good on you, it’s certainly better than turning to addiction or not coping at all.  Each to their own and I think child loss survivors need to push on anyway they can.

How do you cope with things or spur yourself to carry on beyond what you used to believe was your limit?

Love Sarah

Always Violet Skies x

I used to love September

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This is now the worst month for me.

It never used to be this way. I used to love September. It was always one of my favourite months.

The starting back at school with a new year of classes. I was such a geek I couldn’t wait. New pencil cases, stationary, new uniform and shiny new shoes always excited me.

Then there was the turning of the leaves and the beautiful autumnal colours. The amazing sunsets as the weather starts to cool. The wearing of cosy clothes – knee length boots, fleeces, jeans, jumpers & fluffy socks. Open fires, comfort food, hot toddies and bubble baths. Watching the rain from inside a warm house and listening to the wind whistle round the chimney.

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Autumn sunset in Manchester city centre on border of Salford

In the last ten years I’ve enjoyed spending time in Cyprus where it’s like a second spring with all flowers having another annual bloom so colourful and cheerful.

However all of this changed in September 2016 when my precious daughter died and in the following September my son Arthur was born sleeping too.

All of a sudden the changing colours of the autumnal leaves began to represent death to me. The darker nights and chilly weather no longer cosy but depressing and miserable. The pouring rain represents the tears I now shed at this time of year and the wind howls in pain for my lost babies.

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Autumn colours in Chorlton

I can’t face visiting my cheerful uplifting place either in the Cypriot sunshine with colourful flowers and amazing views as last time I was there I was with my daughter, but maybe I will visit again in the next few years.

This year in order to attempt to focus on something else, something much more positive, I decided to organise the Violet ball in memory of my beautiful daughter on 29th September, a few days after the second anniversary of her death, to raise money for Alder Hey hospital’s cardiac surgery fund. I hope those of you who are able to join us do so and that we all see the month of sad September out with a bang.

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Click here for details of ball.

Thanks for reading

Love Sarah

Always Violet Skies x