life Archives · Violet Skies

Give yourself a break

Recently I’ve been beating myself up about putting on weight during lockdown and the fact I’ve not exercised a huge amount. My body isn’t how I’d like it to be. My heart is now fixed so there’s no physical reason for not doing more exercise.

Metabolism

My fixed heart now seems to have slowed my metabolism down because it is working more efficiently so I seem to be burning less calories – typical hey? Anyway I was moaning the other day to a friend and she reminded me that I have actually had 3 pregnancies/babies in 5 years which is quite a lot and a huge impact on your body. Add into that that I’ve also had and recovered from heart surgery after having a titanium device fitted inside it.

pregnant-sunshine-dexter-violet-skies — My third pregnancy, living in a building site during one of the hottest summers on record

Looking back over 5 years

I had a very traumatic birth with my first baby Violet who was undiagnosed breach resulting in me being rushed into surgery shortly after the birth. She was blue lighted to Alder Hey in Liverpool where she underwent heart surgery at 4 days old. She survived that luckily and we took her home 10 days later with major chest wounds weighing less than 5 pounds. Anyone who has had a prem baby will understand the additional challenges with caring for a baby so small.

Childloss x 2

Then I’ve also had the trauma of losing two children. First Violet at 15 months old then my second baby Arthur. With Arthur we had to face the near impossible decision of a termination for medical reasons after hearing at his 20 week scan that his brain hadn’t developed at all and in fact was just fluid. We said goodbye to him at 22 weeks and he was stillborn.

Cemetery-July-2020 — Violet and Arthur’s Grave Summer 2020

We’ve then undergone a horrendous inquest hearing for Violets loss almost 2 years after she died having to relive every moment of it and I did that whilst heavily pregnant with Aurora my third baby.

Third pregnancy

I faced the additional stress of a rainbow pregnancy following those two losses whilst rehabilitating a German Shepherd and project managing a home extension that we lived in throughout too. All while still working as a PR consultant too.

Kitchen-Dexter-Renovation-Violet-Skies — Exactly 2 years ago today this is what our house looked like

Child with special needs

After Aurora was born we discovered she was deaf and so are now adjusting to raising a deaf child. She also doesn’t sleep so 2 years in we’ve had to adapt to only 4-5hours sleep maximum a night on a good day.

Other minor things

In the last 5 years of my life I’ve also gotten married, travelled round the planet twice, raised over £50k for Alder Hey hospital, had heart surgery and most recently a cancer scare (luckily now confirmed as nothing to worry about).

Work wise

I also started this child loss blog to help others out there and to try to raise more awareness of the issues faced. I’ve started lecturing in marketing at university, launched a new travel business and also made more of my love for photography by studying for a diploma in it. Now with covid changing the landscape of my career in travel and hospitality PR too. Grounding airlines and closing bars/restaurants. The working me has seen a huge shift in my outlook and what I do.

I’d say that’s quite a lot in 5 years wouldn’t you? So you know what? I’m going to give myself a bloody break and a pat on the back for still being relatively sane. So what if I’ve put some weight on. I’m not going to stress about that at all and in the grand scheme of things now with covid challenges too who cares?

Make a list people

So my word of advice to anyone out there is to make a list of all the things you have faced, overcome, survived and achieved in the last 5 years. I bet like me you’ll be surprised and so try to recognise what you have actually done rather than beat yourself up because of a saggy tummy, grey hairs and wrinkles. See how amazing you actually are to have got to where you are today. What have you done, over come and experienced in the last 5 years?

Appreciate the now

I did think about doing a list for the last 18 years but that just made me feel very old and exhausted 😂maybe I will write a memoir someday to share the full story and it’ll be perfect bedtime reading (to send you all to sleep or you will think it is fiction).

Big love to you all and thanks for reading

Love sarah

Always violet skies xx

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July 12, 2020 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: Authentic self, UncategorizedTags: babyloss, body image, Child bereavement, childloss, confidence, dog, dogs, house renovation, life, pregnancy, rainbow pregnancy, random, self development, self esteem Leave a comment

Low risk isn’t no risk

A friend of mine recently asked if I had been sent a letter saying I was high risk because I was self isolating from the start 5 weeks ago. I haven’t. Officially I am classed as low risk despite having a heart operation at the end of last year. My daughter who also has a congenital heart issues is classed as low risk too.

Regardless we have been isolating to the maximum for the last 5 weeks and will continue to do so.

colshawhall-lake-cheshire-violet-skies — Calm and still yet stormy – The lake at Colshaw Hall, Cheshire

Medical “experts”

I was told once before by medical “experts” that a daughter of mine should be treated as normal and wasn’t at increased risk of anything. She wouldn’t have any more reason to die than anyone else. She died of the very thing they said not to worry about and the coroner said she has been at a greater compounded risk, so forgive me if I don’t trust the medical “experts” now especially given this is a new situation and a new virus they don’t really understand.

Make a mistake once…

and it becomes a lesson. Make the same mistake twice and it becomes a choice.

My mistake was believing the medical experts when they said to treat my heart baby as a normal child. She wasn’t a normal child.

Aurora-sleeping-21months-violet-skies — A Sleeping Aurora at 21 months

Not no risk

I’ve suffered the pain of losing not one but two children, so forgive me if I don’t want to risk losing another even if that risk is a low one.

Low risk means there is still a risk it’s not a no risk situation. No one is at no risk of the corona virus remember that.

Is any risk worth it really?

What do you think?

Are you willing to gamble with these very high stakes? I am not.

Stay safe everyone. Hold your nearest and dearest close.

Big hugs

Sarah xx

Always Violet Skies

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The Conversation no one wants to have

Don’t survive thrive

April 30, 2020April 30, 2020 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: Childhood illness, corona virus, covid19, rainbow, UncategorizedTags: baby loss, Baby loss awareness week, Child bereavement, child loss, childloss, corona virus, COVID19, high risk, illness, life, low risk, rainbow, rainbow baby, random, risk Leave a comment

Lonely child

It makes me sad during this time of isolation that my little bubbly outgoing sociable girl often seems lonely desperate for the company of other children. Yes she has me and her dad with her but it isn’t the same as someone a similar age.

Aurora-at-door-nursery-bag-violet-skies — At the door with her nursery bag wanting to leave to see her friends

Waves excitedly

When she sees other children going passed our house on their bikes on the way to the park for their exercise or animatedly chatting holding hands she bangs on the window waving to them shouting hello. She wonders why these children are allowed to play together but she cannot join them.

It’s hard to explain to an almost two year old that those children are siblings so they are allowed to play together and visit the park with each other.

She should have a big sister

It makes me so sad because by rights she should have an older sister to play with. A big sister to run around the garden with and who would be able to relate a little more to her, rather than the two adults she finds herself spending 100% of her time with.

Violet would have been able to look at books with her, play on the slide in the garden and they could have sat together to create sculptural masterpieces from play doh. Even just lounged together on their giant unicorn to watch TV.

Don’t get me wrong I grew up with siblings myself so understand all about the arguments but you know what I would like to have to break up those fights and solve the disputes rather than try to cure lone tantrums about wanting to see others.

brother-sister-cousins-violet-skies — Two of Aurora’s four cousins who she is missing at the moment.

Until now whenever I’ve gotten upset about her not having her sister here to play with I’ve taken comfort from the fact she has cousins she’s close to that she can grow up with. This current situation that stops her from seeing her cousins and indeed her friends reminds me how alone she really is. I was lucky enough to grow up with a brother and a sister.

Facetime

Yes we can video call but she’s not overly interested in that. If we show her videos of her friends and cousins she watches them over and over finally tantruming when we stop her watching for the 100th time.

After seeing friends from a distance waving & chatting to them from the end of the driveway or over the fence she then has a tantrum because she’s not allowed to play with them. She’s even gotten her nursery bag taking it to the front door in an attempt to leave to go play with other children.

Adverse affects?

I fear that when this is all over our vivacious little girl might be a shy and reserved wallflower who has forgotten how to interact with her peers or other children.

Fun-in-garden-violet-skies — Playing in the garden

A close friend of mine who grew up as an only child once told me she wanted to have more than one child as growing up as she dreamed of having a sibling to play with. She said she used to feel envious watching me with my brother and sister wishing she could have the same. I never really understood what she meant until now.

A new kind of grief

Watching my little girl cry and sob and tantrum because she wants to play with the children going passed our house breaks my heart. Even more so that by rights she should have at least a big sister with her right now and actually she is the youngest of three.

Bottomlip-violet-skies — Sad in her pushchair as she watches siblings play and is told she can’t join them

It breaks my heart it really does. It also reminds me of the difficult conversations that are coming in the future when she wants to know why she’s an only child and what happened to her older sister and brother.

Not alone

I recently came across someone else on instagram who is going through a very similar thing with their daughter and the isolation situation so I thought it was important to share this in case it might help even more out there to know they aren’t alone in this.

Big love

Sarah

Always Violet Skies

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April 20, 2020 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: corona virus, Mothering after loss, Sisters, UncategorizedTags: anxiety, babies, Child bereavement, child loss, children, corona virus, cover, family, grief, isolation, life, motherhood after loss, parenthood after loss, parenting after loss, rainbow, rainbow baby, siblings, sister, toddler, Violet Leave a comment

The conversation no one wants to have

So some of you will be aware that before Christmas I finally got the heart operation I have been waiting for and had my huge hole repaired.

Night before my operation

The night before my operation I had a conversation with my husband that no one wants to have but really we all should. We spoke about that if things should go wrong in the operation what my dying and last wishes would be. I told him what I would like for my funeral and that I would like to be cremated with my ashes interred with our daughter in her grave.

Spring-graveside-violet-skies — Spring flowers about to bloom at Graveside

We then spoke about what I would like for him and our daughter in terms of the future if I wasn’t to be in it anymore.

Very emotional

It was a huge and emotional conversation but one I realised that we all should really have today with our partners or close family as you really don’t know what tomorrow will bring, without meaning to depress you, we could be run over in the street tomorrow.

Pat-and-Aurora-Spring-Violet-Skies — All I ever wanted my happy family missing one or two children

A Will?

Do you have your will sorted too? We wrote ours back before Violet died so we are going to double-check our wishes are still current too.

So my advice to you all is if you haven’t written a will or told a close loved one your last wishes and how you would like your funeral to be, should something happen, then please do this.

Think about the ones you love

Make this conversation your priority if not for your benefit but for that of your loved ones. It is something that needs to happen. If unfortunately the worst should suddenly happen then it will be tough enough on your loved ones without them having to second guess whether you want your organs donated or flowers at your funeral.

Thanks for reading and stay safe.

Big love

Sarah

Always Violet Skies

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March 30, 2020March 30, 2020 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: funeral, grief, Last wishes, Uncategorized, willTags: death, funeral, grave, grief, heart operation, last wishes, life, will Leave a comment

It’s not about you

Yesterday I was in hospital with my daughter and they tried to take blood from her 5 times and failed. It was horrendous having to hold her still while they inflicted pain onto her. Fortunately for her and me it was for some tests as an outpatient rather than them trying to get IV lines into her as a hospital admission.

Aurora-Fish-RMCH-Violet-Skies — Aurora with fish at RMCH

If you have been through this with your child you will know how distressing it is. Even more so if you have been through it with a child for weeks to have them then die at the end. This experience brought back many harrowing memories of my daughter Violet for me and has made me want to write this article and I hope you will take a few minutes to read it here goes…

It is not about you

There seems to be some people still frequenting public places and still having social gatherings. Those who aren’t practicing social distancing with an “it won’t happen to me. I’m low risk anyway” attitude.

I implore you to share the hell out of this article and ask people to do one thing and read this to the end.

4 years ago

Nearly 4 years ago if you had have asked me if my daughter would die from pneumonia I’d have said “what no chance they have medicines and hospitals to prevent that”. But guess what? She died and the hospital nor us could save her. Think about that for a moment.

A disease the hospital knew all about; one that’s been around for hundreds and hundreds of years. One of the best children’s hospitals in the UK couldn’t save the life of a toddler. Think about that.

Violet-watching-tv-RMCH-Violet-Skies — Violet 3.5 years ago watching TV in Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital (RMCH)

Now I don’t tell you this for pity or for you to feel sad please read on.

Everything and anything

If you had told me or my husband that to save her we’d need to sign away our houses. We would have done just that. If you had have asked us to give away all our belongings and sign away any future earnings then we’d have done that too. We would have literally given everything and done anything to save her our beloved daughter. I know the rest of my family and close friends would have also. Think about that for a second.

I still remember the nightmare day she died and I still have nightmares and visions of it 3.5 years later. Again I don’t want you to feel sad or pity for me, just to keep reading and thinking.

Violet-exhausted-RMCH-violet-skies — Violet asleep in Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital (RMCH)

As my daughter was taking her last breaths and the doctors were fighting to try to save her. Four of my family members including myself were in that very room. I remember we were begging at this point. Yes we were begging and pleading with her to muster the strength to fight. We were pleading with the doctors to save her. We were pleading with whatever higher power there might have been to save her, even if it meant trading our own lives instead. Think about that for a minute.

We would have traded our lives all four of them for her one fragile beautiful little soul.

Stay home

So that’s it folks that’s what I wanted you to read not for pity. For the realisation that all you have to do to save someone’s child (everyone is someone’s child) is for you to stay away from others. You keep your distance and stay inside your homes in order to save a child. That’s it. You don’t have to give your life for theirs just stay home or at a distance and wash your hands.

Yes I know some of us have lost our livelihoods and money so I don’t want to belittle that but remember what I said that we’d have happily given absolutely everything, including our own lives, to save our daughter.

Ask anyone who has lost someone they loved more than anything, whether a child, partner, parent, sibling or friend what they would do or give to get them back. It would be a lot more than simply them staying at home or away from other people.

Aurora-sand-pit-enjoying-life-violet-skies — Aurora digging in her sand pit after hospital yesterday

Hell

If it would bring my daughter back hell I’d move there. Yes to hell if she’d be alive again.

We’re not asking you to give everything or do a deal with the devil just stay home and away from others for maybe a few months. That’s it.

Isolation at this time will save lives and whilst you might think you’re ok it’s not about you. It really isn’t about you right now.

Do it for those you love because take it from me hell is going on living when someone you love more than life itself isn’t. It can happen to you too I’m proof of that.

Trade your time for a life. For the life of a child.

Thanks for reading and thinking. Thanks for your time.

Big love & hugs (virtual of course)

Sarah xxx

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March 21, 2020 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: Childhood illness, corona virus, family, friends, Ill child, Sickness, UncategorizedTags: anxiety, child, children, corona virus, COVID 19, COVID19, faith, family, home, life, news 2 Comments

Curve balls

If you’ve ever lost anyone and especially if you’ve lost a baby or child then you will know more than most that life can give you almighty curve balls.

These sudden changes in circumstance if it involves the loss of a significant other or a child can feel like the curve ball is an asteroid sent for total destruction. If you have somehow managed to survive this mother of all apocalyptic curve balls then you will understand now why the curve ball of a virus leaves me shrugging saying “meh”.

Cemetery-tombstones-spring-flowers-violet-skies — Spring has sprung in Southern Cemetery – Violet Skies

Yes I’m in a high risk category because of my heart op recovery and if I catch the dreaded COVID-19 then could be very poorly. I’m self employed and my business is travel and hospitality. These industries are currently in free fall and I have mortgages to pay. I also have a house overseas again with a mortgage that I rent out to holiday makers, again that will be hit by this epidemic. People I’ve spoken to expect me to be far more stressed out and panic stricken than i actually am.

I think I’m so calm about it because you know what I’ve already been to hell and I lived there for a while. I’ve already had the very worst thing happen to me. This virus isn’t the very worst thing. I’ve lost 2 children and still I’m clawing my way back into a new reality.

Wine-bubble-bath-violet-skies — Make the most of little things – Wine & bubble bath

I’m not overly worried because you know what? I’m a survivor. My family are survivors. We will get through this new challenge the way we have gotten through all the other sh*t that’s been thrown our way, over the years, and yes we’ve had a lot.

We will get through this new challenge with as always compassion for others, the adaptability to be able to seize every opportunity and by looking after ourselves to ensure we avoid taking unnecessary risks to our health.

This too eventually will pass and then people will be travelling, shopping and partying again until then please be kind to others.

In the words of the poet Bon Jovi “keep the faith” and wash your hands people!

Big love,

Sarah xx

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March 16, 2020 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: UncategorizedTags: baby loss, Baby loss awareness week, baby loss survivor, babyloss, Child bereavement, child loss, childloss, children, corona virus, family, life, rainbow baby, travel Leave a comment

Don’t survive thrive

So I have spent the last few years writing this blog about how to survive child loss and I’m pleased to say I have survived so far but then I saw the interview that HRH Meghan did when she was in Africa and still an HRH. Something she said in that interview really resonated with me and don’t get me wrong I’m not a huge royalist fan at all although I did love Suits!

Meghan said in that interview –

“it is not enough to just survive something, that’s not the point of life. “You have got to thrive”

This resonated with me as I suddenly realised that I owe it to my daughters (one an angel and one very much alive and thriving) and son’s memory to not just survive but to thrive.

Over the past few years the notion of enjoying something or loving life felt abhorrent to me. How could I do that when my daughter and son are dead? This abhorrent feeling has now been challenged by my rainbow baby who, as anyone who has met her will tell you, is larger than life and lights up a room as soon as she enters it; truly as her name means a Goddess of Light. How can we not strive to now enjoy life with her? I know Violet would want her sister to have a wonderful life and for us to enjoy our time with her too.

Mummy-selfie-john-lewis-violet-skies — My why in John Lewis giving me the look that says “what are you doing mum”

Now my heart is finally fixed it is surely not enough for me to just survive life?

It made me think that the last few years have been about me working hard to continue on with life, to go through the motions and to try to rebuild my confidence, by to a certain extent, doing the same things I used to enjoy and have always loved doing.

I’ve re-evaluated a little now and thought about the things in my life that despite childloss I actually enjoy. I love photography. My hubby bought me a camera for Christmas after we lost Violet to try to encourage me to take photos of landscapes and architecture, which were something I enjoyed. Check out some of my photos in my gallery here.

Confidence loss is real after child loss. A friend a few years ago suggested my photos were good enough to be exhibited (I laughed it off), another friend offered to display my photography for sale in a boutique hotel (again I laughed it off as felt it was certainly not that good) and then more recently another close friend and client suggested I really need to do something with my amazing photos. Even just typing this now a little voice of the old me (pre-child loss) is screaming in my head “take every opportunity” as the old confident me used to seize every moment and opportunity that passed her way.

I suddenly realized and recognise that I need more confidence in my abilities again. That I should invest more time in this hobby that I enjoy and that people seem to think I have a talent for. I’m now doing a Diploma in Photography to improve my technique and confidence. Another friend has now offered to feature my work on the front covers of his magazines. Wow just wow I’m blown away and for the first time I’m going to seize this opportunity rather than just brush it away as I have in the past.

Travel is another biggie for me. I’m a travel PR at heart and I have a real passion for this industry. A friend told me about a new type of business where you can qualify as an Independent Travel Agent working from home and fit the training in around your current lifestyle and work. So I decided in my new “thrive” mindset to go for it so I have now qualified as an Independent Travel Agent and this I feel will be a game changer to my family’s long-term happiness. We love to travel. We don’t travel anywhere near as much as we did but I love travel. I love talking about it. I love planning it so why not utilize my passion to help others?

We have family and friends all over the world so why should we not be able to earn commission whenever we travel to see them. I love travel and have been to nearly every continent on earth so why should I not share my passion with others. If I can help them to plan and book their dream trip then this is amazing. If I can help them to do start this business too so they earn commission from their own travel also amazing. This is a business that neatly weaves in with my PR career and my photography passion too plus I get to take the family along for the ride.

I’m going to try to write a little more in my blog about motivation and health too as now my heart is fixed as I need to get active and back into shape again. Don’t get me wrong I won’t be running any marathons anytime soon but would be good to get healthier.

Also going to continue to renovate our home hopefully to make it a nicer place for my daughter as she grows and my hubby.

I plan to work further on charitable causes too to build a legacy in my son’s memory so watch out for something happening Spring 2021!

Thought I’d post this cute video just because….

I’ve now had a spring clean of my life. How about you what do you hope to change or build more of now spring is here?

If you want any advice or to share your hopes then I’d love for you to get in touch or post on here.

Big love

Sarah,

Always Violet Skies xx

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March 10, 2020 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: legacy, Spring clean, UncategorizedTags: baby loss, babyloss, child loss, childloss, life, rainbow baby, travel 5 Comments

Due Date Anniversary

So today in 2018 was our son Arthur’s due date but he was born sleeping on 1^stSeptember 2017. I don’t therefore know what you call today “a scheduled birthday that should have been”??? A Due Date Anniversary?

Confused situation

It feels odd being sad today because if all had gone to plan and he had been born today happy and healthy then we wouldn’t have our little girl Aurora as she was also born later on in 2018.

It is a confused situation entirely. Arthur doesn’t even legally exist as he was born sleeping at 22 weeks old so 2 weeks earlier than the legal requirement for human life however if he had drawn a breath at birth than he would have lived so then would have a birth and death certificate. He never drew breath so he has neither certificate.

Legally he never lived

Even though in the eyes of the law he didn’t exist to us he did. I felt him moving constantly inside me kicking over and over. We saw him somersaulting on scans and constantly moving even if no one else did. We knew him a little and met him whilst he was sleeping. He looked like a miniature version of my hubby with a thick head of dark brown hair. His name sits now underneath his big sisters name on their headstone at her grave. We interred his ashes with his sister Violet so she can look after her baby brother.

Their baby sister is continuing to light up our lives here living up to her name “Goddess of the Dawn” and certainly keeps us on our toes.

Rest in peace my little rocket man; keep kicking those legs making those rainbows up high.

Love,

Sarah

Always Violet Skies xx

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January 7, 2020 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: arthur, UncategorizedTags: anniversary, arthur, baby loss, Baby loss awareness week, baby loss survivor, child loss, child loss survivor, childloss, due date, due date anniversary, life, parenthood after loss, parenting after loss, rainbow, rainbow baby, tfmr Leave a comment

Meeting an old friend

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Like most people I love bumping into people I haven’t seen for a while. Someone I used to speak to or deal with all the time perhaps through work or a project and who has simply drifted away. Now in these modern times, thanks to social media, quite a lot of these people are still kept up to date on the happenings in my life. They are aware of the sadness of recent times, however there are occasionally still a few that slip through the net.

Catch up

I met up with someone recently who I hadn’t seen for 5 years and initially I was so pleased to have ran into them, eagerly accepting the offer of a coffee in a nearby café. Then as I waited for them to get served with our brews my heart sank, as I realized the conversation I was about to have with them. I could forecast the surprised look then sadness before there would be pity and sorrow for my loss. Yes they would be sympathetic and the usual comments of “I’m so sorry” and “how have you coped” would be expressed. They would mention their kids and how they couldn’t imagine the pain of ever losing them. Then our entire conversation would take a different turn.

He brought the coffee and tea back.

I secretly challenged myself to see how long I could last before I would have to deliver the bad news to him. I asked him lots of questions, first about what had happened in the past 5 years in his life. He told me about his children growing up and how they were doing at school. About their different personalities with so much joy and passion proud of the people they were becoming.

My story

Then he asked “what about me” and I told him first about the happy things; our house, getting married, travelling the world and our three children. About Violet, Arthur and Aurora, then about the loss of two of them. I finished on a happy note talking about Violet’s fund, Aurora and our hope for the future.

Facetune_21-02-2019-21-29-27 — Me and Aurora upset as she had to have her coat on.

I’m now adept at delivering the proverbial sandwich with the shitty grief filling in the middle.

Avoidance

It’s very easy for me to simply avoid catching up with people and avoid setting dates to meet up for fear that I’ll have to have the awkward conversation about what has happened in my life. Don’t get me wrong I’m getting better at delivering it now but somedays it is still very hard for me having to relive it over again along with the associated emotion.

I hate being thought of as “that girl” and “oh poor Sarah” as that’s certainly not me. My loss doesn’t define me as a person. Yes it may have shaped me into the person I am today and yes I feel the affects of that change every second of every minute but I’m still me.

I just wish I could hand that old friend an overview of what’s happened instead and say “here’s an update on me please read it and then we will grab a coffee to catch up”. That way I don’t have to relive anything repeating myself and having to observe their reactions too. It’s a little weird though and cold I guess so not me.

What do you think? How would you tell people if you were me?

All suggestions welcome!

Love

Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

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February 21, 2019June 12, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: cafes, friends, Heartbreak, Not forgotten, Uncategorized, WishingTags: anxiety, arthur, babies, baby loss, Baby news, babyloss, Broken hearted, catch up, catching up, Child bereavement, child loss, childloss, children, grief, Guilt, Heartache, hope, life, memories, motherhood after loss, news, old friends, parenthood after loss, parenting after loss, Questions, socialising, stress, Violet, worry 2 Comments

Grief is like being Ship wrecked

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This time of year we find a little tricky because this is the week our baby Arthur was due to be born, and although we marked his official first birthday and day he died in September, I still feel a little tug that says we should be having a first birthday party for him in early January.

Why is grief harder for a TFMR?

Grieving for Arthur I find harder and more complicated than I do for Violet as the situation is much more complex:

We never knew Arthur not properly. Yes I felt him move and kick inside me (a lot) but we never got to met him alive.
We were the ones who decided to end his life prematurely based on medical facts and delivered him early sleeping. The hardest decision we’ve ever made.
The bittersweet this is that if we hadn’t decided to lose Arthur when we did then we wouldn’t have had Aurora and she wouldn’t be here today. So that is hard to swallow – how can you feel sad about someone who led to the creation of someone else?

Thank you Arthur

Anyway I saw my counselor this week and she said we should thank Arthur for giving us Aurora so tonight we will toast our little boy. She also passed me a really lovely article that was taken from a guy called GSnow’s Reddit account. Some of the original isn’t really relevant to child loss so I have edited it somewhat and also added some of my own words but you can read the full piece he wrote here.

Grief is like being Ship wrecked

“As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating for me luckily it was my husband and we clung to each other. Some of my family and friends also floated nearby providing sustenance for us to carry on. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

At the start

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, seeing another young family similar to yours on the street, the sound of a baby crying. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Eventually…

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or a family gathering. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out. Occasionally the wave can come from no where and totally overwhelm you but again you rise up, gasp and breathe again.

The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too.”

Dianne Oxberry

I started to write and plan this article before I read the sad news today about local BBC newsreader Dianne Oxberry who sadly passed away. I have lots of friends who were her friends and everyone who met her spoke fondly of her, so this article is dedicated to her friends and family. May you ride the storm of grief and find some lovely memories from the beautiful ship to cling to. If you know those close to her please help them to stay afloat. Do this through kindness and compassion.

Big love and hugs,

Sarah x

Always Violet Skies