Tag: broken heart

My heart’s all fixed

Back in 2016 I felt the worst pain I have ever felt when I lost my beloved daughter Violet and then the following year I lost her brother Arthur at 22 weeks of pregnancy too.  I knew then exactly what people meant when they described a broken heart.  I have never felt a pain like it.

Ironically after I had lost Violet in early 2017, before Arthur, I sought medical advice for dizziness and lethargy that I’d had on and off since I had had Violet.  When she was alive I was told it was probably because I was sleep deprived with a new baby and being a busy mum but when these symptoms continued after she had gone I got it checked out again.  I was diagnosed with having an ASD or hole in my heart that will have been there since birth but possibly enlarged during the pregnancy and birth of Violet.

Heart-frame-the-gallery-wall-violet-skies
I have this gorgeous art work by The Gallery UK in our dining room!

The hole it turned out was pretty large nearly 2cm in diameter and without a repair my symptoms would probably have got worse and I was at higher risk of clots and stroke too.  So I have been waiting for a repair since early 2017.

I still remember that first diagnosis of a broken heart and laughing saying “well I know this already as my daughter has just died”.

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My broken heart depicted here – Violet Skies

So now it feels odd when I tell people I had a broken heart but now it’s fixed as though it means I am over the grief of using my children.  I find myself having to say physically my heart is now repaired but of course emotionally it isn’t.

What’s great is that when I came round from the anesthetic I asked was there a window open as the air felt so fresh, like it does at the seaside or in the country when it’s full of oxygen.  Of course there was no window open I just now have the ability to absorb more oxygen from the air so even today when I breathe in the air feels clean and fresh (yes even in Manchester).

I can’t wait to visit the seaside or countryside as I feel it will blow my mind the amount of oxygen I will have.

The other major difference already is that I don’t get out of breath as easily just walking down the road and my muscles don’t burn after even slight exercise either.  I felt like the bionic woman initially!

It will take a few months hopefully before I feel the full affects of the operation as one side of my heart is still very enlarged so will take time for the pressure to dissipate but I’m hopeful that by spring I will certainly have a new lease of life.

I will never run a marathon but looking forward to having more energy to spend quality time with my rainbow baby and family alongside of course juggle work, charity and this blog too.

So at a time when lots of people have resolutions about losing weight or stopping smoking I am trying to remain as healthy and stress free as possible in order to give my heart a fighting chance to heal and recover properly.

What are you hopeful for this year?

Do you have resolutions or hopes for the decade ahead?

Please do share with me…

Love Sarah

Always Violet Skies xxx

You might be interested in these posts too –

Broken hearted

Surviving after child loss

A Literal Broken Heart

 

 

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Work helped to save me

Future planning

Someone asked me recently what my plans were for the next 5 years. I laughed and said ideally I still want to be alive and I hope my family are all still alive too. Then I’d like us all to be healthy and happy. That’s about it.

A 5 year plan?

Not sure that was the answer he was after as he said I meant professionally and for your business. Well it’s not much use wanting anything work wise if I’m not here is it was my answer?

Maybe they shouldn’t ask parents of loss who have a heart defect that will hopefully be repaired before Christmas that question? 

Heart-frame-the-gallery-wall-violet-skies
This heart image by The Gallery Wall UK sits on my wall in the dining room

I used to be a planner

I used to be into forward planning years ahead at least as far as work, holidays and home went but these last few years have taught me that there’s no point putting too much effort into future plans when something could happen unexpected at any time that can change your world in a heartbeat.

Now I try to live in the present

It much better to live in the present as much as you can and also to try not to dwell too much in the past either as there’s nothing that can be done with that now.

Don’t get me wrong I still plan a little because I have to with work or family plans but i only tend to plan a few months ahead at a time.

How about you? Are you a planner? 

Big love

Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

Future-planning-violet-skies
Do you plan ahead?  What’s your 5 year plan?

If you enjoyed reading this perhaps you might like to read these articles –

Four years a mother

A Broken heart

Mothering after child loss

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A broken heart

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All I want for Christmas is… keyhole surgery – doesn’t really have that nice a ring to it does it?

For those of you who don’t know I have a broken heart, and no I’m not talking about the metaphorical one I’m always bleating on about after having lost two babies, but my actual physical heart.

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My discovery

I discovered it after I had lost Violet and was in the early stages of pregnancy with my first rainbow baby Arthur. I kept having dizzy spells and after my GP diagnosed an inner ear infection months earlier I thought nothing else about it until I saw a private consultant about something else and mentioned it. He said it sounded more like a blood pressure thing and so let’s check your heart. He did and low and behold it seems I have a congenital heart defect an ASD or hole in layman’s terms.

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Of course I have a broken heart

I just remember laughing when he told me and said “of course I have a broken heart my daughter just died”. He explained it’s probably been there since birth but I’d just not had the symptoms accurately diagnosed before.

He read all the symptoms to me and they are basically all the symptoms every new mother has. They include lethargy, tiredness, weakness, dizzy spells (which are common for me due to low blood pressure – Olympic athlete level) and breathlessness.

Exhaustion

Even pre-baby I had lots of these all the time but I just assumed I was unfit (even when I attended a gym and had a dog so walked hills regularly) i often felt exhausted but put that down to being lazy & having an insanely mad busy job.  Now I see there was clearly an underlining reason I hated PE at school, why I was rubbish at sport and maybe it was instinct that told me to cheat at cross country so I didn’t have to run? Apparently if I’d been an extreme sport enthusiast or a marathon runner I’d have collapsed.

Anyway this week I headed into hospital to have a much needed MRI scan (since the issue was spotted I have been pregnant pretty much ever since 😆 with my two rainbow babies so couldn’t have a scan). They are now deciding how to fix it, as if I don’t it will begin to deteriorate further and then will be unrepairable. So big moment really will it be a keyhole procedure or full open heart rib breaking surgery?

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Meh

It’s now dawning on me that this is a huge thing as I’ve always just shrugged it off with a meh what will be will be but now I’m like “oh shit let’s hope it’s not full open heart I need”? Quite like my rib cage as it is.

The black humour part of me says they’re going to fix my broken heart well good luck with that one what are they going to do bring Violet back? I wish! 💜 here’s hoping for good news from the specialist this Christmas.

What are you wishing for this Christmas?

Love Sarah xx

Always Violet Skies

You might enjoy reading these posts too –

A literal broken heart

Motherhood after loss

Making over motherhood

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A Literal Broken Heart

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When I was a teenager and even throughout my twenties I would talk about having a broken heart over an unrequited love or a relationship break up. Later on once I hit my thirties my parents 38-year marriage came to a sudden end and again I was “heart broken”. The world as I knew it ceased to exist. Then my beloved dog Max died suddenly that Christmas Eve and I was “heart broken” again.

Heart broken

It seems heartache and being “heart broken” is a familiar feeling that us humans often talk about but what I have experienced in the last few years shows that everything is relative and you can only compare the experiences you have been through personally. If you are fortunate to have only ever suffered the break up of a relationship then you will know this to be your worst emotional pain. If you have lost a relative or pet then this might be the worst pain imaginable.

Max
Max

Losing a dog/ best friend

After I lost my amazing dog Max I decided that I probably wouldn’t have another as the pain and grief after losing him I felt was unbearable, so I couldn’t face ever putting myself through that again.

Mother to a heart baby

Six years later I became a mother to Violet who was born with a heart defect. She had to be rushed into open heart surgery at four days old, the stress and anxiety during those nine hours she was under the knife was at the time I thought unbearable. We were so relieved afterwards when we were told her heart was a perfect fix.

Me & Violet at Alder Hey
Reunited for the first time in several days after she was transferred to Alder Hey in Liverpool & I was still at St Mary’s in Manchester.  Cuddles before heart surgery.

Anxiety

Every time she had to go to hospital for a heart check up of course we were stressed again praying all would be ok and it always was, until she was rushed into hospital with suspected pneumonia in September 2016. The anxiety during those ten days in hospital was again almost unbearable. I even told friends that there was nothing worse than watching your child poorly. Being tortured whilst doctors inject them/take samples and attach them to drips and there being nothing you can do to relieve their pain.

Violet in Children's hospital MCR.JPG
Violet during her time in Manchester Children’s Hospital in the days before she died

Death of a child

Then suddenly she died. Our precious daughter died. We then discovered a totally new level of pain and heartache that we had never even come close to before. Every other type of “heartache” I had experienced in my life until this moment paled in comparison. I actually felt my world had truly come to an end and the pain then and now is still sometimes unbearable. But bear it we do, as we have no choice in the matter.  It is indescribable to anyone who hasn’t gone through it and unimaginably scary to those of you who have children who are alive.

Metaphorical and physical

Anyway within six months of Violet’s death I discovered that not only do I have a metaphorical “broken heart” but I was diagnosed with an actual physical broken heart too. It was discovered that I have what they call an ASD or hole in between the top two chambers of my heart. I have a truly broken heart both physically and emotionally. How ironic?

Perspective

So life wise I guess the positive take on all of this is that it has helped us (my family) to put things into perspective. We no longer stress about the small things in life anymore and I tell myself that, at the end of the day, I have been through the worst thing imaginable, so everything else, including possible open heart surgery on myself is easy in comparison.

Dexter
Dexter

Everything is relative

Nine years after the loss of my beloved dog Max we adopted a two-year-old German Shepherd, as I now realise that I can cope with the loss of a pet if I can somehow survive the loss of two children. So we welcomed Dexter to our family and we now have a giant fur baby to look after who gives us unconditional love. What’s not to love about that, even if it only lasts for 8 years? It is relative after all and we have chosen to live in the present moment, as who knows if a bus will hit us tomorrow, so make the most of today folks always.

Love Sarah x

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