A broken heart

All I want for Christmas is… keyhole surgery – doesn’t really have that nice a ring to it does it?

For those of you who don’t know I have a broken heart, and no I’m not talking about the metaphorical one I’m always bleating on about after having lost two babies, but my actual physical heart.

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I discovered it after I had lost Violet and was in the early stages of pregnancy with my first rainbow baby Arthur. I kept having dizzy spells and after my GP diagnosed an inner ear infection months earlier I thought nothing else about it until I saw a private consultant about something else and mentioned it. He said it sounded more like a blood pressure thing and so let’s check your heart. He did and low and behold it seems I have a congenital heart defect an ASD or hole in layman’s terms.

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I just remember laughing when he told me and said “of course I have a broken heart my daughter just died”. He explained it’s probably been there since birth but I’d just not had the symptoms accurately diagnosed before.

He read all the symptoms to me and they are basically all the symptoms every new mother has. They include lethargy, tiredness, weakness, dizzy spells (which are common for me due to low blood pressure – Olympic athlete level) and breathlessness.

Even pre-baby I had lots of these all the time but I just assumed I was unfit (even when I attended a gym and had a dog so walked hills regularly) i often felt exhausted but put that down to being lazy & having an insanely mad busy job.  Now I see there was clearly an underlining reason I hated PE at school, why I was rubbish at sport and maybe it was instinct that told me to cheat at cross country so I didn’t have to run? Apparently if I’d been an extreme sport enthusiast or a marathon runner I’d have collapsed.

Anyway this week I headed into hospital to have a much needed MRI scan (since the issue was spotted I have been pregnant pretty much ever since 😆 with my two rainbow babies so couldn’t have a scan). They are now deciding how to fix it, as if I don’t it will begin to deteriorate further and then will be unrepairable. So big moment really will it be a keyhole procedure or full open heart rib breaking surgery?

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It’s now dawning on me that this is a huge thing as I’ve always just shrugged it off with a meh what will be will be but now I’m like “oh shit let’s hope it’s not full open heart I need”? Quite like my rib cage as it is.

The black humour part of me says they’re going to fix my broken heart well good luck with that one what are they going to do bring Violet back? I wish! 💜 here’s hoping for good news from the specialist this Christmas.

What are you wishing for this Christmas?

Love Sarah xx

A Literal Broken Heart

When I was a teenager and even throughout my twenties I would talk about having a broken heart over an unrequited love or a relationship break up. Later on once I hit my thirties my parents 38-year marriage came to a sudden end and again I was “heart broken”. The world as I knew it ceased to exist. Then my beloved dog Max died suddenly that Christmas Eve and I was “heart broken” again.

It seems heartache and being “heart broken” is a familiar feeling that us humans often talk about but what I have experienced in the last few years shows that everything is relative and you can only compare the experiences you have been through personally. If you are fortunate to have only ever suffered the break up of a relationship then you will know this to be your worst emotional pain. If you have lost a relative or pet then this might be the worst pain imaginable.

Max
Max

After I lost my amazing dog Max I decided that I probably wouldn’t have another as the pain and grief after losing him I felt was unbearable, so I couldn’t face ever putting myself through that again.

Six years later I became a mother to Violet who was born with a heart defect and had to be rushed into open heart surgery at four days old, the stress and anxiety during those nine hours she was under the knife was at the time I thought unbearable, so we were relieved afterwards when we were told her heart was a perfect fix.

Me & Violet at Alder Hey
Reunited for the first time in several days after she was transferred to Alder Hey in Liverpool & I was still at St Mary’s in Manchester.  Cuddles before heart surgery.

Every time she had to go to hospital for a heart check up of course we were stressed again praying all would be ok and it always was, until she was rushed into hospital with suspected pneumonia in September 2016. The anxiety during those ten days in hospital was again almost unbearable and I think I even told friends that there was nothing worse than watching your child poorly, being tortured whilst doctors inject them/take samples and attach them to drips and there being nothing you can do to take the pain away from them.

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Violet during her time in Manchester Children’s Hospital in the days before she died

Then suddenly she died. Our precious daughter died. We then discovered a totally new level of pain and heartache that we had never even come close to before. Every other type of “heartache” I had experienced in my life until this moment paled into comparison. I actually felt my world had truly come to an end and the pain then and now is still sometimes unbearable but bear it we do, as we have no choice in the matter.  It is indescribable to anyone who hasn’t gone through it and an unimaginably scary though to those of you who have children who are alive.

Anyway within six months of Violet’s death I discovered that not only do I have a metaphorical “broken heart” but I was diagnosed with an actual physical broken heart too. It was discovered that I have what they call an ASD or hole in between the top two chambers of my heart so I now have truly broken heart both physically and emotionally. How ironic?

So life wise I guess the positive take on all of this is that it has helped us (my family) to put things into perspective. We no longer stress about the small things in life anymore and I tell myself that, at the end of the day, I have been through the worst thing imaginable, so everything else, including possible open heart surgery on myself is easy in comparison.

Dexter
Dexter

Nine years after the loss of my beloved dog Max we adopted a two-year-old German Shepherd, as I now realise that I can cope with the loss of a pet if I can somehow survive the loss of two children. So we welcomed Dexter to our family and we now have a giant fur baby to look after who gives us unconditional love. What’s not to love about that, even if it only lasts for 8 years? It is relative after all and we have chosen to live in the present moment, as who knows if a bus will hit us tomorrow, so make the most of today folks always.

Love Sarah x