A wonderful friend shared this today and it made me cry so I thought I would share on here. Unsure where is originally came from in order to credit so if it is yours then please let me know and I will add a credit on here.
Christmas grave 2019
“It was the night before Christmas and Santa was busy making his rounds
He was light on his feet making sure he didn’t make a sound.
But he took notice that some homes didn’t have that Christmas Glee.
so he decided to stop because he thought that just can’t be.
He crept in a mommy’s bedroom and stopped dead in his steps, as he saw a little angel hugging his mom as she slept.
The little angel looked up and cried ” oh Santa you are finally here!!
I’ve been waiting for you to help me let Mommy know I am near”.
Santa picked up the wee angel and asked him ” What can I do? I’m just a simple toy maker I can’t make your mommy’s dreams come true”.
So the two of them sat and they sat for a while until the tiny angel jumped up and screamed with a smile.
“let’s leave her a sign a beautiful sign from above,
let her know it’s from me sent from heaven with love”!!!
So Santa dug and he dug deep, in that big glorious bag that was filled with lots of treats .
He pulled out a beautiful white feather that look like it was made out of snow.
And he thought such a beautiful sign that only a grieving mother would know.
He placed it on her nightstand and kissed the angel on his head.
Then placed him next to his mom as she slumbered in bed.
I think I’ll stay here with Mommy and visit her in her dreams tonight,
She misses me dearly and needs to know I’m all right.
Santa made his way to his sled, And wiped a tear from his eye.
He fell to his knees and managed to cry.
Merry Christmas to all the grieving mothers across this big land.
And let it be known your angels are with you holding your hands….”
All I want for Christmas is… keyhole surgery – doesn’t really have that nice a ring to it does it?
For those of you who don’t know I have a broken heart, and no I’m not talking about the metaphorical one I’m always bleating on about after having lost two babies, but my actual physical heart.
My discovery
I discovered it after I had lost Violet and was in the early stages of pregnancy with my first rainbow baby Arthur. I kept having dizzy spells and after my GP diagnosed an inner ear infection months earlier I thought nothing else about it until I saw a private consultant about something else and mentioned it. He said it sounded more like a blood pressure thing and so let’s check your heart. He did and low and behold it seems I have a congenital heart defect an ASD or hole in layman’s terms.
Of course I have a broken heart
I just remember laughing when he told me and said “of course I have a broken heart my daughter just died”. He explained it’s probably been there since birth but I’d just not had the symptoms accurately diagnosed before.
He read all the symptoms to me and they are basically all the symptoms every new mother has. They include lethargy, tiredness, weakness, dizzy spells (which are common for me due to low blood pressure – Olympic athlete level) and breathlessness.
Exhaustion
Even pre-baby I had lots of these all the time but I just assumed I was unfit (even when I attended a gym and had a dog so walked hills regularly) i often felt exhausted but put that down to being lazy & having an insanely mad busy job. Now I see there was clearly an underlining reason I hated PE at school, why I was rubbish at sport and maybe it was instinct that told me to cheat at cross country so I didn’t have to run? Apparently if I’d been an extreme sport enthusiast or a marathon runner I’d have collapsed.
Anyway this week I headed into hospital to have a much needed MRI scan (since the issue was spotted I have been pregnant pretty much ever since 😆 with my two rainbow babies so couldn’t have a scan). They are now deciding how to fix it, as if I don’t it will begin to deteriorate further and then will be unrepairable. So big moment really will it be a keyhole procedure or full open heart rib breaking surgery?
Meh
It’s now dawning on me that this is a huge thing as I’ve always just shrugged it off with a meh what will be will be but now I’m like “oh shit let’s hope it’s not full open heart I need”? Quite like my rib cage as it is.
The black humour part of me says they’re going to fix my broken heart well good luck with that one what are they going to do bring Violet back? I wish! 💜 here’s hoping for good news from the specialist this Christmas.
Well not for lots of people it isn’t. People who are alone, homeless, financially struggling, have mental health issues or who have lost someone dear to them it’s often a time of year they dread.
Violet’s one and only Christmas morning
For us we face another Christmas without our little girl who’d be an excitable 3 year old this year and our little boy for whom it’d be a first Christmas. My husband will experience another year without his beloved father who died just before becoming a grandpa, a role we know he’d have excelled at. This year however, unlike the last two years, will be bittersweet for us as we now have our gorgeous little rainbow baby Aurora who will be 5 months old.
Violet in her Christmas jumper and matching trousers!
The first year after we lost Violet we actually couldn’t face Christmas at all so a lovely friends parents’ leant us their holiday home in the Caribbean and my mum treated us to flights so we could escape the whole season for 2 weeks. We were very fortunate to have such wonderful friends and family that could afford to help us escape in this way. I know others often aren’t as lucky and may choose to escape through shutting the world out at home. Or maybe their escape is immersing themselves in other people and going through the motions of Christmas, perhaps if they have other children then they have no choice.
Me with Violet this time 3 years ago. Photo taken by the amazing @hollygoeslightly
Last Christmas we spent with family who happened to also be going through a hard time, albeit for a different reason, as we wanted to do what families should do and be there for one another. Although we did escape for New Years and what should have been our Arthur’s due date, as we couldn’t face that so we booked cheap flights and headed off to Morocco.
This year will be the first year we don’t escape Christmas or New Years, instead we are inviting family to spend it with us. We will wake up with an excitable 4 year old niece on Christmas morning and it will be a first Christmas for our littlest nephew as well as our daughter. The fact that we can help to make it a magical day for my niece and nephew, I think will help us to get through it.
What’s sad is this year the kind family who helped us to escape that first Christmas have just suffered a devastating loss themselves so this festive time will now be especially hard for them. Our hearts go out to them this year.
Our motto is that if you are able to celebrate Christmas this year then embrace your family or loved ones. Make the most of every second because you have no idea what the future holds. Also if you can help to make someone else’s Christmas better or easier this year then do it. Whether you donate to a local food bank, drop Christmas presents into a charity looking after disadvantaged children or just invite your elderly neighbours round for Christmas dinner, nothing says Christmas like looking after those who are suffering by easing their pain or helping them to also have a nice experience, even if for one day only.
Me & Violet with my brother & sister with their little ones 3 years ago
I can’t wait to hear all your lovely stories of goodwill and sharing. I’ve heard lots already, as I’m blessed with lots of amazingly kind people in my life. So far there are tales of people stocking food banks with so much food they can feed many families over the 3 days of Christmas. Those who fundraise and collect donations for presents for underprivileged children. Some have collected blankets for the homeless. Keep up the good work. They say money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around well I say the same can be said for kindness.
Sending big hugs to you all and I can’t wait to hear more heartwarming stories.
