Chris was a lover of life and achieved so much in the short 15 years of his life. On August 14th 2006 Chris went to Capel Curig in North Wales with 5 friends that year had been a very hot summer and that weekend there was a heavy rainfall that caused an extreme waterfall. Chris fell into the waterfall. He was sucked back into a cave below and his trainer was caught in a branch of a tree. A team of divers and search and rescue dogs plus locals searched downstream for him for 7 hours his body was recovered at 7.03 that evening.
Chris Debbie’s son
My life changed that day ….
legacy
Within a week of the funeral I began what I never imagined would be a legacy in Chris’s name educating over 500.000 young people across North Wales and the UK about water safety. I have won many Awards for my work. However the pain never leaves you … I guess acceptance is the final destination for grief but anniversaries still bring those painful feelings to the fore.
BUTTERFLIES
In the early days around 18 months after losing Chris I attempted suicide on two occasions, I don’t tell this for pity I tell it to help others because if I can recover from this dark place then I feel anyone can. It took lots of personal development work and I found myself on an amazing Spiritual path which I follow to this day. I truly believe there is so much more to life than we realise and have had too many signs that Chris is with me always… Rainbows … I feel them before I see them. They come at times when I need them and when important things are coming. Butterflies one day I walked the path to Angel Bay where I have scattered his ashes I had a strange feeling …. Suddenly a host of white butterflies were coming towards me they settled on my body and I felt myself opening my arms … People stared in amazement … It felt like the hug I’d yearned for for years.
Debbie Turnbull
WATER SAFETY
Today I am looking forward to taking a huge leap with my Water Safety business teaching teachers to educate young people in schools. It is hoped that with our new plans we will educate over 50.000 young people a year. A Legacy that will live on long after I do …
I live in hope that when my time comes to meet Chris once again, in his Castle In The Sky, we will both be reunited for the rest of eternity.
If you enjoyed reading this inspirational story then please check back this week as others share their stories too. Find out more information here.
The amazing Sue France shared hers on Monday here’s the link.
The fantastic Kiki Deville shared hers on Tuesday here’s the link.
14 years ago I joined a club. It’s a very exclusive club, but one with a surprising amount of members. Sometimes it feels like a secret club, although none of the members want it that way, but society works hard at keeping us underground. I should explain that no one wants to be in this club. None of us ever dreamt we would join. None of us want to be here. None of us want anyone else in the club. But there is no going back once you have taken your membership. Joining this club represents the darkest moments of your life. This club has the only other people on earth who have even a fraction of an understanding of how fundamentally your life has just changed.
DEXTER
When my son Dexter was born, it was immediately clear something was wrong. Not because of anything overly dramatic, but a feeling I had, an instinct you could say, that all was not quite right. The next 24 hours would be the worst, to that point, of any 24 hours I had ever endured, as we were told that our beautiful son had a genetic condition (Zellweger Syndrome), and he would not survive for longer than a few months.
Beautiful Dexter Kiki’s son
4 weeks and 3 days later, he died, in our arms, at Derian House Children’s Hospice. In a twist of cruel irony, he died on International Baby Loss Awareness Day, October 15. Membership to the club commenced.
LONELINESS
There is nothing quite as lonely as losing a child. All of the light disappeared from my world, and I thought I would never know joy again. In some ways, the darkness remains even now, like an Instagram filter that sits over the top of every moment of my life. I can be laughing and enjoying a moment with someone and then BOOM, suddenly I remember that I broke that day, and the guilt floods back that I have somehow learnt to enjoy life again.
That guilt took a long time to come to terms with, and without the other club members to discuss it with, Im not sure I would have learnt to reconcile happiness with such deep, deep sorrow.
Society would have you believe that we don’t exist, or that we should at least remain hidden precisely because society knows that the pain of child loss is indescribable. The mere thought of it evokes terror in parents. As it should. There are no words. There is only the rawest of emotion. A desperate feeling that life will never be the same again, because put simply, it won’t.
LIGHT
Light can find its way through, with help. Which is why our club is so important. It plays a vital role in helping us understand that you can have joy again. It also helps us vent at the frustration many of us feel at being silenced about our children.
We know you mean well. We know you are usually loved ones who want the old version of us to return. We know that sometimes you think its time we were “over it.” And we know that none of this is because you don’t care. Its terribly difficult to watch someone you care about be so viscerally sad. But when you won’t say their name, when you flinch when we do, when you never acknowledge their birthday or anniversary, it drives us again to that feeling of loneliness when it all began.
Without my club, without the friendships I have formed with other bereaved parents, Im not sure I would ever have found the strength to move forward, with Dexter beside me, in to a life and a career that I am so wonderfully grateful for. But not a day goes by that I don’t wish I didn’t know these people, for their sake, and for mine.
A SONG FOR DEXTER
Finding pragmatic ways to deal with my grief, and using my platform to try to break the stigma around bereavement has led me down a path that I could never have imagined for myself. I had always wanted to write a song for Dexter, and last year, I met another songwriter, we forged a friendship and a partnership, and I finally wrote that song. (The Day is available to buy here via Amazon or here via Apple It is also available on streaming platforms, although I would encourage you to purchase as the profits go to Derian House Children’s Hospice and Together for Short Lives).
Kiki Single cover image
THE KEEPSAKE CIRCLE
After this process, I realised that it helped me immensely, and it also opened up dialogue with people about bereavement. In partnership with Derian House, my songwriting partner and I have spent this last year meeting with 10 bereaved families, and we have written 10 original songs in musical tribute to their children who are no longer with us. The project, The Keepsake Circle, has been so rewarding and getting to know these children and hear these families memories has been an incredible privilege. The album will be available for purchase from November 12.
The Keepsake Circle
And to my fellow club members as we enter in to Baby Loss Awareness Week for 2021, I am with you as we remember. And I thank you for helping me feel less alone.
If you would like to connect with Kiki then you can do so on instagram here
You can find out more about The Keepsake Circle on instagram here
If you enjoyed reading this inspirational story then please check back this week as others share their stories too. Find out more information here.
The amazing Sue France shared hers yesterday here’s the link.
I lost my daughter to Cancer when she was 27 and it was over 20 years ago. However I share the same “what if she had lived?” feelings as any parent who has lost a child, whatever the age.
Rachel Sue’s daughter as a little girl aged 4
MEMORIES AND RITUALS
Memories and rituals are precious to me and were never more so than in lockdown.
My daughter loved Spain and a year before she passed away she had bought a holiday home near Puerto Banus . It was her wish for her ashes to be scattered from a speed boat just outside the harbour and this we duly did. We went out with her husband on quite a choppy sea and the ashes scattered behind us in the wind.
The beautiful Rachel France as an adult
Every year since then I have travelled to Spain and thrown flowers in the sea and I was devastated when I couldn’t do that this year. I happened to mention this to a lady called Ali Meehan who runs a networking organisation for expat businesswomen. I had met Ali when I spoke at her International Women’s Day Conference in Marbella in 2018. She recalled that I had won a beautiful white orchid in her raffle and used some of its flowers as my sea throwing petals that year and this had stuck in her mind. During lockdown Ali and I had come together to hold joint zooms between her group and my group. I counted her as a friend but what she did next took my breath away. On Rachel’s birthday, she went to the beach at sunrise and as the sun came up over a beautiful sea she threw roses in the water for Rachel. She sent me a video of this and it will always be a special memory.
Petal scattering in memory of Rachel in the sea
KINDNESS
This exquisite act of kindness made the world of difference to me and I urge any friends of parents who have lost babies to give them some thought this week too. I know we all often forget the birthdays of those children who belonged to our friends. Sometimes we are only reminded when we see a facebook post and then we quickly jump in and send our love and condolences. But this week if you could just contact your friend and send flowers or a card or even just a message, you have no idea how much it could mean.
Sue France – as a child Rachel spent many happy summers on Welsh beaches too where this photo was taken
Sue France runs the popular networking group. Creative Connecting in Cheshire and she is Patron of the charity www.giftofawedding.org
If you would like to contact and engage with Sue then her instagram link is here.
So today in 2018 was our son Arthur’s due date but he was born sleeping on 1stSeptember 2017. I don’t therefore know what you call today “a scheduled birthday that should have been”??? A Due Date Anniversary?
Confused situation
It feels odd being sad today because if all had gone to plan and he had been born today happy and healthy then we wouldn’t have our little girl Aurora as she was also born later on in 2018.
It is a confused situation entirely. Arthur doesn’t even legally exist as he was born sleeping at 22 weeks old so 2 weeks earlier than the legal requirement for human life however if he had drawn a breath at birth than he would have lived so then would have a birth and death certificate. He never drew breath so he has neither certificate.
Legally he never lived
Even though in the eyes of the law he didn’t exist to us he did. I felt him moving constantly inside me kicking over and over. We saw him somersaulting on scans and constantly moving even if no one else did. We knew him a little and met him whilst he was sleeping. He looked like a miniature version of my hubby with a thick head of dark brown hair. His name sits now underneath his big sisters name on their headstone at her grave. We interred his ashes with his sister Violet so she can look after her baby brother.
Their baby sister is continuing to light up our lives here living up to her name “Goddess of the Dawn” and certainly keeps us on our toes.
Rest in peace my little rocket man; keep kicking those legs making those rainbows up high.
Someone asked me recently what my plans were for the next 5 years. I laughed and said ideally I still want to be alive and I hope my family are all still alive too. Then I’d like us all to be healthy and happy. That’s about it.
A 5 year plan?
Not sure that was the answer he was after as he said I meant professionally and for your business. Well it’s not much use wanting anything work wise if I’m not here is it was my answer?
Maybe they shouldn’t ask parents of loss who have a heart defect that will hopefully be repaired before Christmas that question?
I used to be into forward planning years ahead at least as far as work, holidays and home went but these last few years have taught me that there’s no point putting too much effort into future plans when something could happen unexpected at any time that can change your world in a heartbeat.
Now I try to live in the present
It much better to live in the present as much as you can and also to try not to dwell too much in the past either as there’s nothing that can be done with that now.
Don’t get me wrong I still plan a little because I have to with work or family plans but i only tend to plan a few months ahead at a time.
How about you? Are you a planner?
Big love
Sarah x
Always Violet Skies
Do you plan ahead? What’s your 5 year plan?
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Never mind Halloween please light candles on 1stNovember to mark the first All Saints day today “Día de los Inocentes,” a Mexican catholic tradition that honours deceased children and infants. They are remembered on this day when the veil between worlds is thought to be the finest.
All Saints day taken from Catholic Online
All Hallows Day
In Mexico, All Saint’s Day also known as the Feast of All Saints, All Hallows’ Day or Hallowmas is celebrated with the first day of the Day of the Dead (Dia de los Muertos) known as “Día de los Inocentes,” honoring deceased children and infants. The 2nd November marks a second day for all deceased. Some religions and cultures call November 2nd All Souls’ Day and this is the day that is often chosen for the Day of the Dead parades and celebrations.
Catholic tradition
Catholics traditionally take flowers to the graves of loved ones and Saints who are innocents on these days. Perhaps you’d like to light a candle at home instead to remember those babies or children who have died on the 1stNovember and then again for any adults on 2ndNovember too.
All Souls Day – photo from Wikipedia
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These last few weeks have been especially difficult for us as our rainbow baby is sick. We had to take her into hospital where she was diagnosed with pneumonia, which is what her sister died from. Back at home now luckily and she’s responding well to antibiotics but it is unbelievably stressful anyway without our history with her sister.
A beautiful cloudy Violet sunset over our house last night
Lack of control
I realised a key reason for the stress of having a poorly child or loved one or heaven forbid their loss is the lack of control over the situation (unless you’re a murderer of course but that’s a different story!).
The fact you had no control in the end over whether they survived or not. You did everything you could possibly do but even that wasn’t enough and it is the acceptance that at the end of the day we really don’t have control over these things.
Poorly child
When our children are sick, again, it is the control issue that makes us super stressed. We can do everything we can possibly do to look after them. Give them antibiotics, fluid, pain relief, and take them to the doctors or to hospital. Listen to the “experts” and follow their guidance. Other than that there isn’t much more we can do. We are powerless and have to do our best then simply hope.
Violet in hospital the day she later died suddenly
Regaining control on life
I think that is why after the loss of Violet and then Arthur doing things I have control over helped me to regain a little of my sanity.
Managing a house renovation and extension project was something I could control. Rehabilitating a German Shepherd from being a working dog into a family household pet again I could do and get some comfort from. Setting up a fund in Violet’s memory and organising a charity ball again was something I could control and work at organising. We have now raised a total of £42,860 for Alder Hey Children’s Hospital.
Photo of our house during the renovation with Dexter our GSD in shot too
More of a control freak
Yes I admit I am probably more of a control freak in some respects than perhaps other people but after speaking to a few others who have had to endure looking after sick children or unfortunately baby or child loss it is this loss of control that is a tricky one to deal with.
My advice is to try to do other things you can control to try to balance out those things that you simply can’t.
Big hugs and lots of love
Sarah
Always Violet Skies xx
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In early September when kids start or go back to school it’s not so much the hundreds of photos of them lined up in front of either a front door or a fireplace that irritates me but more the stupid comment(s) that accompany them. So to save me from adding a passive aggressive and brutally honest blunt comment in reply to some of these posts I decided instead to write this, so hopefully if you care you will read this and think before you write that irritating social media post.
My aunty Jenny’s gorgeous front door – without a child in a school uniform
Here are those comments
“I wish he or she would stop growing” errr no you don’t because that would mean they would die and then be dead like my daughter who remains 15 months forever.
“Oh they’re growing too fast” at least they are growing there are lots of parents out there whose babies are sick and not growing fast enough. Be thankful you’re not them and don’t insult these parents by complaining when your child is healthy and thriving.
“Oh I wish they would stay as babies forever” errr no you don’t see my earlier comment above. Would you like it if they died then they would always be a baby?
“I miss when they were little” that’s why taking photos is so important but be thankful you don’t just miss them because they are no longer with you.
My fireplace without a child in a school uniform in front of it – “Back to school”
“It’s all going too fast.” You know what life tends to go fast when you’re enjoying and/or loving things. Try sitting in a hospital chair next to a sick child and your days seem to drag on and on. Or heavens forbid sit next to their grave. There are lots of parents sat in hospital with their school age child who is too sick to attend school and I can tell you their days just drag on. They would give anything to be doing a school drop off instead and waving goodbye to a child at the school gate rather than in an isolation ward as they nip to the loo.
“I wish time would stop” no you don’t because then you would be dead. Do you want your child or family to grow up without you? Think how extremely lucky you are to be alive now and living in the reality you have. Embrace every second and live in the present not the future because you certainly don’t want to be living in the past or to only be alive in someone else’s past.
Share those photos
So folks if you feel the need to share photos of your little darlings in their school uniforms to celebrate that they are growing, healthy and happy. To thank the universe that they were born to you in a country with free healthcare and education, so they can actually go to school then great share away. But please out of respect to those of us not in as privileged a position as you don’t wish for your children to stop growing, for time to stop or say that you are upset they are going to school. Be happy and be grateful. Appreciate the now and embrace the moment because you are right about one thing it isn’t happening again. Relish the time and moments. Take the photos, make the memories and remember to feel happy not sad. Embrace this exciting new chapter in you and your child’s life – hopefully there will be many more yet to come too.
A front door without a child in a school uniform – “back to school”
I know a hell of a lot of people who would love to be buying a new school uniform, waving their child off at the school gate and at the end of the day hearing all about how their first day went. Myself included. This September Violet should have been starting Primary School and that she isn’t hurts us beyond belief. We would do anything to have her here now. We know as a little book worm at 15 months that she would have loved going to school. So if your child is attending school this September be thankful and celebrate it but don’t for a second wish for something different.
Big love, Sarah
Always Violet Skies x
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So our little rainbow baby had her one-year inoculations the other day so we had a few days of high temperatures, a distressed clingy baby, waking every half an hour over night and whimpering in her sleep. It can be tough as a parent with a sick or teething child anytime but if you’re a parent who has experienced child loss then this can feel like a sick version of Groundhog Day.
Violet
Our first born Violet died suddenly at 15 months old and looking back her health slowly deteriorated over her final months so slowly we didn’t really notice it until it was almost too late and then it was too late.
The last photo ever taken of our gorgeous Violet the morning of the day she died in Manchester Children’s Hospital playing with a balloon.
Rainbow baby
Our rainbow baby, Aurora Violet’s baby sister is now approaching 13 months old so we are ultra sensitive to any slight change in her behaviour, routinely checking her temperature and we whisk her to see the GP as soon as she coughs more than a few times. Over protective parents have nothing on us!
A sleeping Aurora – our rainbow baby
Violet in her final months started sleeping a lot worse than she did before and we assumed she was waking because of hunger but discovered on admission into hospital that it was because her oxygen levels were plummeting. Aurora is displaying similar sleeping patterns so we’re awaiting sleep study equipment to monitor and check her oxygen levels while she sleeps.
Our rainbow baby has an appointment with a top lung specialist too, even though as yet she currently doesn’t have anything wrong with her chest (that we can tell). It makes us feel better that she will be double-checked. You may think “what a waste of that consultants time if there’s nothing wrong with her” and someone expressed that to me.
The Why
Well her sister saw countless GPs, several paediatricians at two different hospitals, several accident and emergency consultants, a variety of different registrars at Manchester Children’s Hospital, with varying levels of qualification and experience. Yet not one of them managed to accurately diagnose Violet while she was alive. It wasn’t until after a full coroners inquest nearly 2 years after her death that we even found out what the issue had been. This top lung specialist was supposed to see Violet when she was in hospital but she died before he got around to seeing her and perhaps he may have diagnosed her or not we will never know.
Violet in Manchester Children’s Hospital aged 15 months old.
So I’m not sorry in the slightest if by now playing the “my dead baby” card means that my rainbow gets the best specialist healthcare because you know what she and we bloody well deserve it. I have paid my taxes (as have my family all our lives) and we fully support funding the NHS which yes needs more funding today so babies like Violet don’t die in hospital while waiting to see a specialist.
Until you have been in our shoes and watched your child deteriorate, suffer and then die in front of you whilst no one has an explanation as to why. Then come object to me but until then I will stand and scream if I have to until I know my child is safe, healthy and happy.
If your child is ill too let me know as I’m happy to advise or scream for them too.
The Maybes
Maybe we didn’t shout loud enough with Violet? Maybe we didn’t kick up enough of a stink? Maybe I should have bundled her into my car when I decided Manchester Children’s Hospital weren’t doing a good enough job and driven her to Alder Hey hospital?
Well you know what this time if I need to then I bloody well will and god help any healthcare admin person who dares stand in my way!
The NHS
Have you ever had to question healthcare professionals? During Violet’s short lifetime we experienced the very best of the NHS and the very worst too. What are your experiences?
Big love,
Sarah
Always Violet Skies x
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I discovered last year that, whilst Mothering Sunday as a concept in the UK came from an 16th century English religious tradition (read my original post here), the more widely known Mother’s Day was founded in America in 1907 by a lady called Anna Jarvis. Anna wanted to do something to honour her mother who had lost 7 babies. This original version of Mother’s Day, that rapidly became the commercial juggernaut it is today, was in fact created to remember and honour a grieving mother.
The original story
Anna wanted to create a day where people could honour and reach out to grieving mothers to actually recognise their pain and suffering in a day of remembrance. Rather than society continuing to ignore and pretend that babies don’t die. That grieving mothers don’t exist, they would be one day a year when people are kind to them. She wanted to change things for those grieving mothers everywhere to help them to feel less alone and less isolated.
It took only a few years before this day, that was associated with deep emotions and grieving mothers, was hijacked by commercial organisations. In the US they saw it as an opportunity to sell gifts and greetings cards to all mothers. It was then that the commercial money making Mother’s Day as we currently know it was born.
Now a day of torture…
Now it is with deep irony that those women who are suffering the grief of losing a child or perhaps not being able to conceive one are no longer recognised by this day. Instead they often feel even more isolated and upset by the commercialisation and celebration of motherhood. A motherhood they are grieving the loss of and maybe struggling to come to terms with not having.
WHAT MOTHER’S DAY REALLY MEANS
Me with my angel baby Violet in Cyprus. Violet Skies.
I’m a mum of three
Someone said to me the first Mother’s Day after Violet died that I wasn’t to let the day upset me. She was sure I would no doubt become a mum again in the future. I was devastated and not strong enough to reply that I will always be a mother. It’s just my child is no longer here with us. I still think like a mother, feel like a mother and to a certain extent act like a mother because deep down I am one!
This year I have my rainbow baby Aurora so some strangers may say “oh you’re a mum again congratulations” but actually I became a mum in 2015 and even though you can’t see all of them. I am in fact a mum of three.
Happy Mother’s Day. My rainbow baby Aurora loving life & living up to her name.
Message for everyone
Anyway to all those grieving mums out there please remember this day was created exactly for women like us. Those who have to deal with the pain of losing or not having their babies with them every day, so don’t let other people make that pain worse. Or commercial organisations make you feel bad, as they’re just doing it to make money.
To all the mother’s out there who have living babies please remember why this day was created. That it is for grieving mothers, who are exactly like you, but who through no fault of their own unfortunately lost their children. Please do us grieving mothers or “wish we were mothers” all a favour, celebrate Mother’s Day and your wonderful children. Hug them close, love them and appreciate all the little moments. Remember that some of us aren’t as lucky. You are blessed not because of the gifts of flowers, chocolates and handmade cards but because of the little people you have in your lives. That others would happily give anything to have.
Reach out
If you have a friend or family member who’s suffered child loss maybe use this weekend as a reason to go out of your way to reach out to them. Send them a message, drop off some flowers or invite them for a coffee just be nice people. Remember this weekend is really for them. I’m sure Anna will be smiling down if she sees people embracing the day as she intended. Spread the love.
