life Archives · Page 3 of 4

The Light at the end of the Tunnel?

Well we’re very nearly there as this week hopefully our nearly two year long battle for answers about what happened to our daughter Violet and caused her untimely death will come to the fore.

Inquest

Ever since she died suddenly on 26^th September 2016 we have been chasing hospitals, lodging complaints, hounding for the release of medical records, researching the strange medical terminology and random disease mentions that appear in her post mortem report and waiting for the coroner to finally set a date for the inquest hearing. Finally after over 18 months we got a date and it is this week.

IMG_0412-2 — Will this be the light at the end of our tunnel? (photos taken beneath a glacier in Iceland)

AvMA

Fortunately a legal charity called AvMA have now agreed to support us with a barrister to act as our mouthpiece during the hearing and she will ask questions on our behalf. We are so relieved about this as were dreading having to question witnesses ourselves. She has also offered to read out my witness statement on my behalf and this has lifted a lot of my dread, as I was worried it would be too traumatic to stand and relive these moments in the courtroom although I know some parents can find this somewhat cathartic.

Questions for barristers

My husband and I spent time this weekend drafting questions for our barrister that we would ideally like to be addressed and it is traumatic thinking again about our precious daughter’s last days and moments. Running through all the “what ifs” in our heads that we know may or may not be answered with any certainty.

Stress and worry

The stress and worry about this week has actually given me a mental block to my writing so apologies for no recent insightful blog posts.

I do have lots of lovely more uplifting things to write about and post, involving travel to amazing places but at the moment these seem too trivial and frivolous to me to be able to focus on when we have more serious emotional events looming.

Stay tuned and I’ll hopefully be able to check in with you all in a week’s time having discovered the light at the end of the tunnel.

Love Sarah

Always Violet Skies x

May 14, 2018June 27, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: Heartbreak, UncategorizedTags: anxiety, baby loss, babyloss, barrister, Broken hearted, Child bereavement, child loss, childloss, coroner, court, daughter, family, grief, hearing, Heartache, inquest, life, motherhood, Questions, stress, trauma, worry 2 Comments

A Literal Broken Heart

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When I was a teenager and even throughout my twenties I would talk about having a broken heart over an unrequited love or a relationship break up. Later on once I hit my thirties my parents 38-year marriage came to a sudden end and again I was “heart broken”. The world as I knew it ceased to exist. Then my beloved dog Max died suddenly that Christmas Eve and I was “heart broken” again.

Heart broken

It seems heartache and being “heart broken” is a familiar feeling that us humans often talk about but what I have experienced in the last few years shows that everything is relative and you can only compare the experiences you have been through personally. If you are fortunate to have only ever suffered the break up of a relationship then you will know this to be your worst emotional pain. If you have lost a relative or pet then this might be the worst pain imaginable.

Losing a dog/ best friend

After I lost my amazing dog Max I decided that I probably wouldn’t have another as the pain and grief after losing him I felt was unbearable, so I couldn’t face ever putting myself through that again.

Mother to a heart baby

Six years later I became a mother to Violet who was born with a heart defect. She had to be rushed into open heart surgery at four days old, the stress and anxiety during those nine hours she was under the knife was at the time I thought unbearable. We were so relieved afterwards when we were told her heart was a perfect fix.

Me & Violet at Alder Hey — Reunited for the first time in several days after she was transferred to Alder Hey in Liverpool & I was still at St Mary’s in Manchester. Cuddles before heart surgery.

Anxiety

Every time she had to go to hospital for a heart check up of course we were stressed again praying all would be ok and it always was, until she was rushed into hospital with suspected pneumonia in September 2016. The anxiety during those ten days in hospital was again almost unbearable. I even told friends that there was nothing worse than watching your child poorly. Being tortured whilst doctors inject them/take samples and attach them to drips and there being nothing you can do to relieve their pain.

Violet in Children's hospital MCR.JPG — Violet during her time in Manchester Children’s Hospital in the days before she died

Death of a child

Then suddenly she died. Our precious daughter died. We then discovered a totally new level of pain and heartache that we had never even come close to before. Every other type of “heartache” I had experienced in my life until this moment paled in comparison. I actually felt my world had truly come to an end and the pain then and now is still sometimes unbearable. But bear it we do, as we have no choice in the matter. It is indescribable to anyone who hasn’t gone through it and unimaginably scary to those of you who have children who are alive.

Metaphorical and physical

Anyway within six months of Violet’s death I discovered that not only do I have a metaphorical “broken heart” but I was diagnosed with an actual physical broken heart too. It was discovered that I have what they call an ASD or hole in between the top two chambers of my heart. I have a truly broken heart both physically and emotionally. How ironic?

Perspective

So life wise I guess the positive take on all of this is that it has helped us (my family) to put things into perspective. We no longer stress about the small things in life anymore and I tell myself that, at the end of the day, I have been through the worst thing imaginable, so everything else, including possible open heart surgery on myself is easy in comparison.

Everything is relative

Nine years after the loss of my beloved dog Max we adopted a two-year-old German Shepherd, as I now realise that I can cope with the loss of a pet if I can somehow survive the loss of two children. So we welcomed Dexter to our family and we now have a giant fur baby to look after who gives us unconditional love. What’s not to love about that, even if it only lasts for 8 years? It is relative after all and we have chosen to live in the present moment, as who knows if a bus will hit us tomorrow, so make the most of today folks always.

Love Sarah x

April 18, 2018June 27, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: Heartbreak, UncategorizedTags: anxiety, babies, baby, baby loss, Baby news, babyloss, broken heart, Broken hearted, Child bereavement, child loss, childloss, children, dogs, Heartache, heartbroken, life Leave a comment

Traditional holidays like Easter are the worst

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Lots of people this week were talking about how they are looking forward to the Easter weekend and spending much needed time with their families and children. I find myself forcing a smile and having to say “I bet”. Then they ask if I’m looking forward to a break and again I smile and say “oh yes of course”. I don’t say that for me my break is being at work away from all the reminders that we have a massive gaping hole in our lives where our daughter should be and isn’t.

Our Easter should be

We should be looking forward to the weekend possibly organising Easter egg hunts in the garden, taking Violet to a farm so she can pet all the animals and we’d take her to the family music events in Heaton Hall too as she’d have loved those.

Loving bad weather news

Is it bad that part of me when they announced we’d have another cold spell this weekend with possible snow thought ‘oh good it’ll save me having to watch smug families going out enjoying spending time with their children, that just hammers home more clearly what we are missing or even having to watch some not enjoying their children, yelling at them which I find even harder to stomach’?

Easter is new life

They say Easter is the time for new life and in previous years I used to find it cheerful and uplifting, as it also meant we were getting close to my birthday, which I used to find exciting. Now it is just a reminder of another year without my precious daughter. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in a jail striking off lines on the wall with every passing year, while we wait and hope to see Violet once again.

Spring is a time of growth

Spring is the time for growth and lots of children have growth spurts once the weather starts improving in line with more vitamin D and sunshine. It reminds me that our daughter isn’t growing anymore and that she is permanently stuck at age 15 months. She will always be that age in our minds and hearts. We never saw her walk, talk in proper sentences, dance or even eat. She never said “mummy”. This is the really heart breaking thing the realisation of all the things we will never see her do or experience with her.

Make the most of quality time

So if you have children this Easter please make sure you do make the most of your days off work and spend lots of time with them making memories. Hopefully you will always get to enjoy seeing your children grow every year but, if like us, something horrendous happens, then you will only ever have the memories to last you for the rest of your life so make sure they are good ones!

Take photos and make films

Take that photograph and film them opening their Easter presents or doing that Easter egg hunt because it will be over in a flash but the film or photo will last a lifetime, meaning so much to the relatives who bought them that present or organised that egg hunt.

Count your blessings

Also do me, those who have also lost children, struggled to conceive or would just have loved a family but couldn’t have one, a favour and when you feel like your children are getting on your nerves this Easter, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath and for a minute realise how truly lucky you are and that there are those of us who would happily take all the tantrums in the world, sleepless nights and naughty behaviour just to have our children back. Appreciate your families and try to enjoy the moments, as they really don’t last for long.

For all of us without our kids at least we have chocolate!

Happy Easter

Love, Sarah x

p.s. all the photos in this post were taken at an artisan chocolate factory called HR Chocolate established by artisan baker Haflio Ragnarsson in Reykjavik, Iceland.

March 29, 2018June 26, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: Food, UncategorizedTags: babies, baby loss, Baby news, babyloss, Child bereavement, child loss, childloss, children, Chocolate, chocolate factory, Easter, easter eggs, family, grief, hope, Iceland, life, quality time, travel 2 Comments

Music and emotion

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Music really does stir the soul and it can also retrieve memories you forgot you had made.

Whitney Houston

The other day I was driving in the car and a Whitney Houston song came on the radio “I have nothing”. The lyrics are pretty emotional anyway if you listen to them.

“Don’t make me close one more door
I don’t want to hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Don’t walk away from me
I have nothing, nothing, nothing
If I don’t have you, you, you, you, you”

When I heard it start I remembered how much my daughter Violet had liked listening to the great divas sing. Then I remembered that this was also the first Whitney song she ever heard and the entire memory of that came flooding back.

Listening to music with her favourite toy elephant

The memory

I remember that she was about six months old at the time and already had her own playlist on my i-tunes. A playlist that already contained Katherine Jenkin’s 50 romantic arias, all the Adele albums and a few Jennifer Hudson tunes too. She had very particular musical tastes and disliked nursery rhymes. I would play different tunes to her and from a young age she’d let me know if she liked them or not. If she did then they’d be added to her play list. She enjoyed listening to her chosen songs while she read, played or relaxed.

Anyway as she was chilling out with a book that day I suddenly thought ohhh what about a bit of Whitney, I bet she’d like Whitney Houston and the first song I played for her was “I have nothing”.

Whenever a new song came on for the first time Violet adopted a look of concentration and would stop whatever she was doing to listen, making her mind up as to whether to continue focussing or not quite quickly. Violet continued concentrating on the Whitney song and then when she heard her hit the first big note a wide beaming smile appeared on her face. She continued to listen in silence, simply smiling after she hit all the big notes and then at the end of the song Violet was so delighted she actually clapped!

I rapidly downloaded all of Whitney’s Greatest hits onto her playlist for her. She had one of the most particular musical tastes of a baby ever. I often wonder whether she would have had a musical future either as a musician or behind the scenes.

Emotion

The retrieval of this memory reduced me to tears in the car and luckily I wasn’t far from home but I gave the hubby a fright when I pulled onto the driveway in floods of tears!

Are there songs that have brought back happy or painful memories for you? Feel free to share them

Love Sarah xx

March 18, 2018June 26, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: UncategorizedTags: babies, baby loss, babyloss, Child bereavement, child loss, childloss, children, emotion, grief, jennifer hudson, katherine jenkins, life, memories, music, radio, songs, soul, tears, tunes, whitney houston 2 Comments

The real American meaning of Mother’s Day

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I recently discovered through joining an online support group called the Tigerlily Trust that, whilst Mothering Sunday as a concept in UK came from an 16^th century English tradition of annually honouring your mother in church the more widely known Mother’s Day was founded in America. In 1907 a lady called Anna Jarvis, wanted to do something to honour her mother who had lost 7 babies. This original version of Mother’s Day was created to remember and honour her grieving mother.

The original Mother’s Day

Anna wanted to create a day where people could honour and treat grieving mothers. To actually recognise their pain and suffering in a day of remembrance. It took only a few years before this day that was associated with deep emotions and grieving mothers was hijacked by commercial organisations in the US. They saw it as an opportunity to sell gifts and greetings cards to all mothers. It was then that the Mother’s Day as we currently know it was born.

Ironic

Now it is with deep irony that those women who are suffering the grief of losing a child or perhaps not being able to conceive one are no longer recognised by this day. Instead they often feel even more isolated and upset by the commercialisation and celebration of motherhood. A motherhood they are grieving the loss of and maybe struggling to come to terms with not having.

Once a mother always a mother

Someone said to me, the first Mother’s Day, after Violet died that I wasn’t to let the day upset me. She was sure I would no doubt become a mum again in the future. I was devastated and not strong enough to reply that I will always be a mother, however it’s just my child is no longer here with us. I still think like a mother, feel like a mother and to a certain extent act like a mother because deep down I am one!

Me & Violet in Cyprus — Me & Violet on holiday in Cyprus she was 10 months old

Grieving mums

Anyway to all those grieving mums out there please remember this day was created exactly for women like us. Who have to deal with the pain of losing or not having their babies with them every day. So don’t let other people make that pain worse. Or commercial organisations make you feel bad as they’re just doing it to make money.

Message for all

To all the mother’s out there who have their babies please remember that this day was created for grieving mothers. Mothers who are exactly like you, who through no fault of their own unfortunately lost their children. Please do us grieving mothers or “wish we were mothers” all a favour. Celebrate Mother’s Day and your wonderful children. Hug them close, love them and appreciate all the little moments. Remember that some of us aren’t as lucky. You are blessed not because of the gifts of flowers, chocolates and handmade cards but because of the little people you have in your lives that others would happily give anything to have.

Big love, Sarah x

March 9, 2018June 26, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: Cyprus, UncategorizedTags: babies, baby loss, Baby news, babyloss, Child bereavement, child loss, childloss, children, family, flowers, gifts, grief, life, Mother's Day, toddler, travel 3 Comments

The Small Things

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I used to be a self-confessed shopaholic before I had Violet I loved nothing more than a shopping spree round town getting a new dress, looking at the sales, maybe some new shoes, new toiletries etc. Now I hardly ever shop.

Violet in a pretty dress — Violet wearing a new pretty dress in May 2016 & it always cheered her up

Experiences

Instead losing my children has taught me to appreciate the experiences life has to offer, rather than simply buying stuff. So now we’d rather spend our money on dinner out or save for a holiday somewhere or spend time in the outdoors.

Family and friends

It has also made us more grateful for our friends and family who have been so supportive, throughout these last few years. Yes we have had good friends fall by the way side but many more that have stepped right up to the plate to hold our hands during our lowest ebbs. We are so appreciative of these people, as it makes us realise that as cruel and evil as the world sometimes seems there are good, kind people out there.

There have also been near strangers and distant friends who have been so kind and gone out of their way to help us in small ways that mean much more because of the thought that goes with it.

Violet clapping bubbles — From the last party Violet ever went to and she loved a good party!

Legacy

Some people have gone out of their way to remember our daughter by doing Iron Man contests, swimming Windermere, organising events and other challenges to raise money for her fund helping us to create that lasting legacy for Violet we so crave.

There have been lots of moments of kindness from people that have reduced us both to tears and we love you all so thank you!

Love, Sarah x

p.s. if anyone wants to donate to her fund click here and tickets for the Violet ball on 29th September 2018 can be reserved here

February 21, 2018June 26, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: UncategorizedTags: babies, baby, baby loss, Baby news, bereavement, Child bereavement, child loss, children, experiences, family, friends, Kindness, life, love, memories, motherhood, new dress, restaurants, shopping, toddler, travel Leave a comment

Design Inspiration – Modern Morocco

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This is the first of hopefully many design inspiration blog posts I plan to write, as for those that don’t know me I adore architecture and interior design. I take a lot of photos of it especially when we travel.

My inspiration

We are also about to begin a home extension and remodel so I’m collecting lots of lovely design ideas to give me inspiration about what we’d like for our new home.

When we visited Morocco last month I took about a thousand photos of architecture and interior design, both modern contemporary and ancient traditional, so this is my first post where I look at modern eclectic Moroccan design.

Salut Maroc hotel

I was honoured to be given a guided tour of one of the newest and chicest boutique hotels in Morocco; the fabulous Salut Maroc in Essaouira.

Each of the 11 bedrooms are individual and have been personally designed by the owner, who also designed all the fabrics especially for the hotel, having them handmade in Morocco. Anyway I will let the photos speak for themselves…

Patterns aren’t scary

Don’t be scared of patterns & colours even if you think they may clash. Love the overall effects here.

Feature walls

Why not embrace a feature wall and create a beautiful mural as artwork?

Bathroom inspiration

Bathroom inspiration why stick to cream and white – cheer things up go for vibrant blues, yellows and embrace patterned tiles!

Vibrant lounge and dining spaces

Even lounge, dining and entrance spaces can be cheerfully designed fusing modern and classical design touches with colour and pattern. Don’t think I’ve ever seen the Mona Lisa in such an eclectic setting!

Garden or patio inspiration

I’m someone who is guilty of sticking to neutral colours or black and white when it comes to interiors but I think a pop of colour from a nice rug, cushions or even a burst of wallpaper on one wall could help to lift the dreariest of UK winter days!

Get the look on the UK high street

To get this type of look from the UK high street check out

Next and their Brighton or Studio by Next range

John Lewis fusion range for furniture & cushions

For tiles check out Tile Giant’s Moroccan Bizarre range or Geometric range

There are lots of others out there on the high street and smaller homewares stores that are embracing the Moroccan influence for this coming summer season. Feel free to share any finds or your own photos with me.

My next design inspiration post will look at traditional Moroccan design.

Love, Sarah xx

February 18, 2018June 26, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: UncategorizedTags: architecture, contemporary design, eclectic design, fabrics, hotel design, interior design, john lewis, life, Moroccan design, morocco, next, patterns, tile giant, tiles, travel Leave a comment

When baby news upsets me

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I was so excited to meet my brand new nephew yesterday who is absolutely gorgeous and I’m so pleased to see my beautiful sister healthy too. Friends I spoke to afterwards were concerned about it upsetting me and contacted me to check I was ok. It is lovely of them to care but prompted me to write this…

Baby news

After having lost my little girl at 15 months and then a baby boy that never made it to full term, bless him, people seem to think that I’ll get upset if they announce a pregnancy or the birth of their new baby.

I have gotten upset occasionally. Usually if the baby boy was born close to Arthur’s due date and/or been given the same name but even this doesn’t last very long at all.

Happy news

I’m always happy whenever someone announces a pregnancy that’s healthy. Or the birth of a new baby, especially if it’s a close friend or family member. I love to see other people happy and there are always baby cuddles available.

Arthur scan — Arthur at 16 weeks of pregnancy

Sad baby news

What really upsets me is when I watch the news and hear of a baby or child that has been abused or murdered by their parents or family. That is what I find really upsetting, we’d give anything to have our daughter or son healthy and with us. When I read that someone has actually intentionally injured or killed his or her own child I find it abhorrent. That is the baby news that really upsets me and makes me so angry.

Violet & Arthur

Our daughter was so well looked after yet she still got sick and died, from we think a lung disease. My son had severe brain damage, yet I looked after myself in pregnancy, didn’t drink, smoke or do any drugs other than a pregnancy multivitamin! When I see pregnant women smoking and drinking alcohol that upsets me. Women chain smoking, blowing smoke over a pram and toddler that angers me too. Violet was never exposed to cigarette smoke. I feel sorry for children that are. I want to shake their parents to say “do you know what it would be like if your child died?” That is when I get upset about someone else’s baby or child.

Thanks for caring about us though. We really appreciate it when people are so thoughtful to let us know about pregnancies, new babies etc before they then announce it publicly. It is lovely to know you all care and are still thinking of us. Thank you.

Love Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

You might be interested in these posts –

My story

Making over motherhood

February 15, 2018June 26, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: UncategorizedTags: babies, baby, baby announcements, baby loss, Baby news, Child bereavement, child loss, children, life, new babies, news, pregnancy, pregnancy news, toddler 2 Comments

Tantrums and wishes

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Lots of mums and dads dread going out to the shops or to restaurants with their children in case they throw a tantrum or cry, creating a scene in front of others. I know this as I used to be one of these women, although thankfully Violet was pretty easy going most of the time, preferring to people watch or read books.

Tantrums

As a parent if your baby cries or throws a tantrum you look around to see other people staring over and you imagine them tutting thinking you’re a bad mother. Or that you are doing something wrong. Often you don’t get to finish your lunch and you have to ask the wait staff to wrap it up to take it home with you, that you promise yourself you will eat just as soon as baby/toddler goes down for a nap. You’re so busy though you never do get round to eating it.

I remember cringing when my baby projectile vomited everywhere in a cafe. I was mortified. Now I’d take that any day of the week!

Annoyed?

Now I know, if the other people looking over at you are anything like me today, then they will be looking over not in annoyance or pity but longingly. Wishing they were sat there with a child that was crying, throwing food all over the restaurant or indeed creating a scene screaming, rolling around on the floor. I’d happily change places, rather than be sat there having a quiet peaceful lunch on my own or chatting with a friend.

Never imagine you know what someone else is thinking. You have no idea what they think or indeed what they have been through so next time your baby makes a scene smile at those looking over and I bet like me they will smile back or even help to distract your little one, snapping them out of it.

Love Sarah x

February 7, 2018June 26, 2019 by intoleranttravelleruk Categories: cafes, eating out, restaurant, UncategorizedTags: babies, baby, baby loss, brunch, cafe, Child bereavement, child loss, children, cringeworthy, crying, dining with kids, dinner, life, lunch, motherhood, parenthood, projectile vomit, restaurants, tantrums, toddler, travel 2 Comments

Imagination

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It may sound daft but sometimes when I get up in the morning and make a brew then sit down in my ever so quiet house to have breakfast, I like to imagine what the me in a parallel universe would be doing now.

A Parallel Universe

If parallel universes exist that is, and I was never a huge fan of science fiction, but it’s one thing that gives me a strange comfort. I like to think there’s a me out there that’s heavily sleep deprived, complaining to friends about her 2 year old daughter’s tantrums and how her newborn baby who doesn’t sleep keeps getting nappy rash!

A mother & children on Essaouira beach, Morocco at sunset

The other me will be struggling to juggle the demands of motherhood with two children, work, a husband and trying to stay sane. Her life would be crazy, noisy and sleep deprived but it will also be full of love. However she doesn’t realise how truly lucky she is and stresses about how she’s concerned her children aren’t developing at a normal rate. Are they eating enough? Are they growing?

Optimism

This other parallel universe me has never had to face losing a child so she’s still full of the naive blind optimism I see in other women and people everyday. The way I used to be. When bad things happened to other people not to you, and whilst you were concerned and saddened to hear of others bad luck, even raising money to support these people, never in a million years would you think it’d happen to you. It gives me comfort to think there’s still an innocent me like that out there somewhere.

Reality

Anyway then I return back to my reality of being able to eat a quiet breakfast with only the demands on my time from a dog wanting a walk and of course that of my clients at work. So begins another week for me…I hope you all have a good one!

Love

Sarah

Always Violet Skies