Tag: child loss

When baby news upsets me

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I was so excited to meet my brand new nephew yesterday who is absolutely gorgeous and I’m so pleased to see my beautiful sister healthy too. Friends I spoke to afterwards were concerned about it upsetting me and contacted me to check I was ok. It is lovely of them to care but prompted me to write this…

Baby news

After having lost my little girl at 15 months and then a baby boy that never made it to full term, bless him, people seem to think that I’ll get upset if they announce a pregnancy or the birth of their new baby.

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Violet at approx 10 weeks old

I have gotten upset occasionally. Usually if the baby boy was born close to Arthur’s due date and/or been given the same name but even this doesn’t last very long at all.

Happy news

I’m always happy whenever someone announces a pregnancy that’s healthy. Or the birth of a new baby, especially if it’s a close friend or family member. I love to see other people happy and there are always baby cuddles available.

Arthur scan
Arthur at 16 weeks of pregnancy

Sad baby news

What really upsets me is when I watch the news and hear of a baby or child that has been abused or murdered by their parents or family. That is what I find really upsetting, we’d give anything to have our daughter or son healthy and with us. When I read that someone has actually intentionally injured or killed his or her own child I find it abhorrent. That is the baby news that really upsets me and makes me so angry.

Violet & Arthur

Our daughter was so well looked after yet she still got sick and died, from we think a lung disease. My son had severe brain damage, yet I looked after myself in pregnancy, didn’t drink, smoke or do any drugs other than a pregnancy multivitamin! When I see pregnant women smoking and drinking alcohol that upsets me. Women chain smoking, blowing smoke over a pram and toddler that angers me too. Violet was never exposed to cigarette smoke. I feel sorry for children that are. I want to shake their parents to say “do you know what it would be like if your child died?” That is when I get upset about someone else’s baby or child.

Thanks for caring about us though. We really appreciate it when people are so thoughtful to let us know about pregnancies, new babies etc before they then announce it publicly. It is lovely to know you all care and are still thinking of us.  Thank you.

Love Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

You might be interested in these posts –

My story

Making over motherhood

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Imagination

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It may sound daft but sometimes when I get up in the morning and make a brew then sit down in my ever so quiet house to have breakfast, I like to imagine what the me in a parallel universe would be doing now.

A Parallel Universe

If parallel universes exist that is, and I was never a huge fan of science fiction, but it’s one thing that gives me a strange comfort.  I like to think there’s a me out there that’s heavily sleep deprived, complaining to friends about her 2 year old daughter’s tantrums and how her newborn baby who doesn’t sleep keeps getting nappy rash!

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A mother & children on Essaouira beach, Morocco at sunset

The other me will be struggling to juggle the demands of motherhood with two children, work, a husband and trying to stay sane.  Her life would be crazy, noisy and sleep deprived but it will also be full of love.  However she doesn’t realise how truly lucky she is and stresses about how she’s concerned her children aren’t developing at a normal rate.  Are they eating enough? Are they growing?

Optimism

This other parallel universe me has never had to face losing a child so she’s still full of the naive blind optimism I see in other women and people everyday.  The way I used to be. When bad things happened to other people not to you, and whilst you were concerned and saddened to hear of others bad luck, even raising money to support these people, never in a million years would you think it’d happen to you.  It gives me comfort to think there’s still an innocent me like that out there somewhere.

Reality

Anyway then I return back to my reality of being able to eat a quiet breakfast with only the demands on my time from a dog wanting a walk and of course that of my clients at work.  So begins another week for me…I hope you all have a good one!

Love

Sarah

Always Violet Skies

You might enjoy these other posts –

Somewhere after the rainbow

When you get your rainbow what then?

All about May

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Making new memories

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It can be very difficult when you’re grieving the loss of your child to remember those that are living and that you still need to invest time in your relationships with others especially with your husband or partner.

Special anniversaries

One crucial thing we did as a couple was to ensure we planned and booked time in our diaries in advance to mark important anniversaries and occasions.  Making a dinner reservation, booking a hotel for the night or even flights for a weekend away ensured we couldn’t decide to give it a miss when the date came around.  Occasionally one of us would say we weren’t in the mood and the other would encourage and persuade.  

I once even went out to dinner in a lovely restaurant with hardly any make up on and hair was scraped back (as I wasn’t in the mood to try to look nice as it felt too superficial). The fact we did it made the next date we had slightly easier.  The more we forced ourselves the better we actually started to feel about going out and the less guilty we felt about “enjoying ourselves when we had lost our most precious daughter”.

Here’s a photo of me with hubby, minus make up, after being encouraged out last year.  I cheered up when all the lighting was Violet and I was served a Violet cocktail almost as though she planned it!

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Travel

Anyway we still keep this up over a year on and sometimes it can still be difficult for us but we make sure we take time out.  A few weeks ago we celebrated the anniversary of our very first date so my hubby treated us to a night away in Cartmel in the Lake District with dinner, bed and breakfast in L’Enclume.

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Cartmel Priory

I will talk more about the amazing food we enjoyed in my next post but I wanted to share that even though we are fortunate to travel and dine in some amazing places our lost children are never far from our minds.

Before we headed home I visited the amazingly historic Priory at Cartmel that has an 800 year old history and lit candles for Violet and Arthur.  I also took some photos of the amazing building.  You can see them all here http://violet-skies.com/portfolio/cartmel-lake-district/

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Inside Cartmel Priory
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Life isn’t fair

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Life isn't fair

This is my mantra for today.  We all go through phases in our life were we feel we haven’t been dealt a fair hand and especially when you look at social media to see all the happy photos of people enjoying life.  A life when looking through the rose tinted glasses of instagram and facebook often looks happier than yours.  You do have to remember that these channels often give a different view of the world and most of these people often have their own internal issues and difficulties.

I always like to remember that the cliche of “there’s always someone that’s worse off than you” is very true.  You only need to switch on the news to see those who are much worse off.  Be thankful for what we do have; if only for the roof over our heads, the food in our stomachs, wonderful friends and family.  Think positively!

Love, Sarah x

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My Story

I am a proud and heart-broken mother to two angels.

My first angel

My first born was a beautiful baby girl named Violet who beat all the odds after she had open heart surgery at just 4 days old at Alder Hey Hospital. She lived a full and happy life for 15 months until passing away suddenly at Manchester Children’s Hospital. We didn’t know what happened and the coroner launched an inquest (read about it here)

Swimming shot

My second angel

My second angel was our rainbow baby Arthur who was born sleeping at 22 weeks, almost a year after Violet passed away. He was a TFMR and had severe brain abnormalities.  He gave us so much hope for the future and when we lost him in September 2017 we felt as though our hope for the future died with him. (read more about it here)

Graves

The last few years

It has been an extremely devastating and challenging few years for both me and my husband. Despite all of this devastating news we still strive to make the most of our lives, as we understand how fragile life is and how much our daughter Violet loved life. She wouldn’t want us to mope and suffer. We’ve learnt to be grateful for the 15 wonderful months we spent with her, that we might not have had if it wasn’t for the top NHS heart surgeons and care at Alder Hey Hospital we had in the very beginning.  To them and especially top heart surgeon Mr Prem we will be eternally grateful. (link to our fundraising here)

Violet Skies

A friend of mine suggested (over a year ago) I try to help others by giving advice and strategies for coping with loss. So this blog has been a long time coming but I have waited until I felt strong enough to share. It will detail the ways in which I have tried to deal with everything in case it might help someone else who has unfortunately found themselves in a similar situation.

It won’t all be heavy or emotional reading though as lots of my coping strategies include travel, eating amazing food and architecture/interior photography. Hopefully it will make enjoyable reading for those out there that are lucky enough not to be in a situation like mine. It will be full of photos showcasing some of the amazing places we have travelled to and the things we do in memory of our beautiful children.

I hope this site can give others inspiration and hope to overcome anything they are currently battling with in their lives.

Love & hugs,

Sarah

Interesting blog posts –

Pregnancy after loss & PTSD

What happens when you get your rainbow

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