Tag: children

Traditional holidays like Easter are the worst

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Lots of people this week were talking about how they are looking forward to the Easter weekend and spending much needed time with their families and children. I find myself forcing a smile and having to say “I bet”. Then they ask if I’m looking forward to a break and again I smile and say “oh yes of course”. I don’t say that for me my break is being at work away from all the reminders that we have a massive gaping hole in our lives where our daughter should be and isn’t.

Our Easter should be

We should be looking forward to the weekend possibly organising Easter egg hunts in the garden, taking Violet to a farm so she can pet all the animals and we’d take her to the family music events in Heaton Hall too as she’d have loved those.

Loving bad weather news

Is it bad that part of me when they announced we’d have another cold spell this weekend with possible snow thought ‘oh good it’ll save me having to watch smug families going out enjoying spending time with their children, that just hammers home more clearly what we are missing or even having to watch some not enjoying their children, yelling at them which I find even harder to stomach’?

Easter is new life

They say Easter is the time for new life and in previous years I used to find it cheerful and uplifting, as it also meant we were getting close to my birthday, which I used to find exciting. Now it is just a reminder of another year without my precious daughter. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in a jail striking off lines on the wall with every passing year, while we wait and hope to see Violet once again.

Spring is a time of growth

Spring is the time for growth and lots of children have growth spurts once the weather starts improving in line with more vitamin D and sunshine. It reminds me that our daughter isn’t growing anymore and that she is permanently stuck at age 15 months. She will always be that age in our minds and hearts. We never saw her walk, talk in proper sentences, dance or even eat. She never said “mummy”. This is the really heart breaking thing the realisation of all the things we will never see her do or experience with her.

Make the most of quality time

So if you have children this Easter please make sure you do make the most of your days off work and spend lots of time with them making memories. Hopefully you will always get to enjoy seeing your children grow every year but, if like us, something horrendous happens, then you will only ever have the memories to last you for the rest of your life so make sure they are good ones!

Take photos and make films

Take that photograph and film them opening their Easter presents or doing that Easter egg hunt because it will be over in a flash but the film or photo will last a lifetime, meaning so much to the relatives who bought them that present or organised that egg hunt.

Count your blessings

Also do me, those who have also lost children, struggled to conceive or would just have loved a family but couldn’t have one, a favour and when you feel like your children are getting on your nerves this Easter, stop for a moment. Take a deep breath and for a minute realise how truly lucky you are and that there are those of us who would happily take all the tantrums in the world, sleepless nights and naughty behaviour just to have our children back. Appreciate your families and try to enjoy the moments, as they really don’t last for long.

For all of us without our kids at least we have chocolate!

Happy Easter

Love, Sarah x

p.s. all the photos in this post were taken at an artisan chocolate factory called HR Chocolate established by artisan baker Haflio Ragnarsson in Reykjavik, Iceland.

by Categories: baby loss, childloss, family, Food, grief, UncategorizedTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Rainbow pregnancies, hope and mindfulness

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Arthur was our rainbow baby & gave us hope.

When I was pregnant with Arthur I remember we were so happy and filled with hope for the future; even more so after his 16-week scan where they checked his heart and confirmed that unlike his older sister’s it was perfectly symmetrical.

I threw myself into getting prepared for the new pregnancy and baby, which included signing up for Pregnancy Yoga and Pilates courses.

Mindfulness

I remember I was so looking forward to the classes. They’d give me chance to focus on this new little life inside me and to try to be positive about the future. I was also looking forward to building a support network of new friends who would be pregnant like me and so would be able to share the experience with some peers too. We’d done NCT classes when pregnant with Violet and gained friends from it. They were then like a support network through pregnancy and baby’s first year.

pregnancy yoga in a field
How chilled out I felt after the first Pilates session

When I registered for the classes I made sure to let the organisers know my sad story about losing Violet the previous September and she said she’d make the teachers aware of this.

Anyway my first class, which was Pilates went well and afterwards all the participants chatted together about their pregnancies. It was very welcoming and inclusive just what I’d have hoped for.

Pregnancy yoga
How I hoped my pregnancy yoga would be

My second class, which was Yoga wasn’t anywhere near as relaxing or positive as I had hoped it would be. Lots of the same ladies were at this one that had been at the Pilates class, so it started off very friendly and welcoming again at the start.

Lack of communication

We then took our places and mats to begin the session. The teacher announced that she wasn’t the one we were meant to have and she had been asked to step in at the last minute. Still no red flags in my eyes.

Then she asked everyone to begin by introducing themselves, what stage of pregnancy they were at and if it was your first baby or not. If it wasn’t your first baby then how old your other children were? Were they looking forward to their brother or sister? I felt my positive little safe space and new support network crumble like a house of cards!

Honest words

They went round the circle and I was one of the last, so I spoke about my second pregnancy. I told them all that I had had a little girl who died at 15 months old, just 9 months earlier. How I imagine she’d be delighted to have a new brother or sister but alas she was no longer here. There was total silence and shock in the room you couldn’t even hear anyone breathing. Finally the teacher said how sorry she was to hear the news and thanked me for being so honest in sharing with the group. I remember everyone being in shock and blankly staring at me. Even when the final girl had started talking about her pregnancy, they were still in shock looking at me. How I managed not to break down I don’t know.

Longest yoga class ever

Then we moved on with the class. I think it was the longest Yoga class of my life. Only one of the other participants looked over and smiled at me, reassuring me to check I was ok. Most other class members even those I had spoken to at the earlier Pilates class now avoided my eye contact. At the end of the class the majority of people rushed off desperate to escape quickly, so they didn’t have to face speaking to me or dealing with any emotional heartache. Perhaps they were worried I had some contagious “all my kids die” disease. Maybe they are right?

The one girl who had smiled at me earlier, came up saying how she was blown away by my strength and she just felt the need to give me a hug. The teacher then apologised for having put me in that position in the first place. She said how brave she thought I was, that I had shared what happened so honestly with the group. Then the tears came and I found myself crying all over the teacher and this poor girl who was 40 weeks pregnant and due to give birth anytime!

Devastated

When I got home I was so upset I wrote to the organisers to say how a class I was supposed to find relaxing had become super stressful and emotionally fraught. It certainly wasn’t the Zen experience I had hoped for! They apologised for the miscommunication with the stand in teacher and said they’d give me an extra session for free if I continued with the course. They reassured me all teachers would be briefed about my situation.

I continued with the sessions (Yoga and Pilates) but they just weren’t the same, as I now received pitying looks from all the participants who simply felt sorry for me. The welcoming feeling I had felt at that first Pilates session was now gone and I was an outcast in the group, cast aside by the others. A few of them occasionally spoke to me but it was more so they could settle their curiosity about what had happened to Violet.

Don’t get me wrong if anyone had openly asked about Violet or whether I had other children, I would have told them the truth anyway. I would have preferred a chance for them to get to know me a little first, before they learnt my sad news as that’s the basis of friendship. It needs to be built from mutual understanding and shared interests rather than pity.

Hope shattered

Then when I lost Arthur at 22 weeks of course I contacted the course organisers and they refunded my subscription costs. I asked then perhaps if I could switch onto a postnatal Yoga course so I could try to heal. I was told that they didn’t advise this as it would be too emotionally distressing as everyone would be talking about their babies and my story would upset everyone else in the class too. Instead I was recommended to try some other sessions that after further research were designed for the elderly and infirm. I decided I couldn’t face attending a class full of geriatrics!

I was devastated that when you think of how many women sadly go through miscarriages, stillbirths and other troubled pregnancies that there are no Yoga or Pilates classes designed for those who have suffered loss. Surely we need it even more than those who have birthed a healthy baby who is still alive?

Love Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

You might be interested in these blog posts –

Somewhere after the rainbow

Grief is like a shipwreck

Lonely

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Grief, Anxiety and Confidence

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Unless people have been through something similar themselves, they don’t really understand that when you’re grieving, yes you go through waves of sadness, anger and frustration at the world but there’s a huge element of anxiety too.

Anxiety

The anxiety affects every aspect of your life. Almost as though because the worst thing ever actually did happen, then what’s to say something else bad isn’t possible too. This heightened sense of danger makes you nervous and afraid of things that previously you wouldn’t have been concerned about.

slipping on ice.jpeg
Slipping on ice (photo credit: U.S. Air National Guard photo by Tech. Sgt. Lealan Buehrer)

Like this week the road outside our house was very icy and there was a time I wouldn’t have cared but I was reluctant to go outside, as I know how accident-prone I am. The thought of falling and injuring myself was too scary to contemplate.

Risk avoidance

I find myself constantly trying to avoid risk, whereas as an entrepreneur for many years, risk and calculated odds was something I excelled in. I could easily identify what to take a chance on and what to avoid based on pure instinct. I no longer trust my own instincts.

Violet on 26th Sept 2016
Violet the morning of day she died playing happily with her balloon.  Trying to bash me with it!

The morning my little girl died the hospital said she was doing really well and I could see with my own eyes she was better than she had been for weeks. We were all so very happy. I messaged everyone with photos showing how well she was doing. I thanked every single God that she had turned a corner. That evening she died suddenly and I realised that my eyes and instincts could lie. Also that medical specialists don’t know everything. That deeply affects everything else in your life. It makes me question it all. All of a sudden is “green” really green?

Questioning everything

Not only do I question my instincts more but I also worry about things I never used to. I constantly question everything…

Am I doing a good job for my client? (even when they give me positive feedback!) Am I still a nice person?  Have I turned bitter because of losing my child? Have I offended someone somehow because they didn’t phone me back?  Does xxx still like me? What if xxx is just trying to be kind because they feel sorry for me?  Have I made that person uncomfortable with my honesty? Did xxx feel awkward because I brought up a story about my daughter and they didn’t know how to react?  Am I any good at my job? Can I even write? Do I actually know what I’m doing?  Does anyone care about what I think? What if I burst into tears how embarrassing?  What if no one wants to speak to me as they think I’ll be miserable & I’ll depress them because bad things always happen to me? Maybe xxxx is avoiding seeing me because she thinks her baby/pregnancy/kids will upset me?  Perhaps xxxx doesn’t want to have to deal with any negativity as she’s all about positive thinking & I have issues? xxxx clearly doesn’t speak to me anymore or contact me because I make them sad or feel awkward? What if I drive other friends away in the same way? Am I acting odd in social situations?  Am I stuttering? what if…what about…Why did that bad thing happen was it because of me?

Confidence

These constant niggles and questions I now ask myself all the time. They started when Violet died and they aren’t going away.  They increased even more after Arthur died, as he gave us so much hope for the future and then our world became doomed once again. These thoughts now chip chip chip away at my confidence in every area of my life, so some days I almost feel like I shouldn’t even bother. I find it a real challenge to drive myself onwards, often having to give myself evidence as to why certain things aren’t true. Why some things aren’t the case.

I’m seeing a great counsellor, finally (as I have been through a few, some who I made cry & others that ended up being aggressive with me but that’s a post for the future!). They are trying to help me to work through these issues.  You don’t usually hear people talk about confidence and anxiety when they’re grieving but I’m learning now that it is far more common than you think.  Quite a few people I have spoken to who have lost a loved one have said that it also really affected their self-confidence.

Thank you to you all for your patience with me and for helping me to believe in myself again!

Love, Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

You might be interested in reading these posts –

The challenge of a rainbow pregnancy

PTSD with a rainbow pregnancy

I have my rainbow what now?

Our second rainbow

Sleep anxiety with rainbow baby

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Question time: the questions I dread being asked

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At work events

For those of you that don’t know, I do PR and marketing for a living so that involves at times attending networking events, black tie dinners and entertaining clients. In the past I’ve always excelled at making small talk and creating conversation with new people. I used to find it easy to get a rapport quickly. However now I find myself dreading strangers asking me questions that are usually quite normal to ask when getting to know someone. Questions such as “do you have any children?” or “do you have a family”.

Honesty is the best policy

I then have a choice do I lie and say “oh no I don’t” then the conversation can continue to move along in a light hearted cheerful way? Or do I tell the truth that I have had two children but unfortunately both have died? This honest approach is the one I usually use, as I don’t believe in lying to people, especially when my job is formed on the strong foundations of trust and honesty. It’s all about building relationships.

Smiling
Violet at a few months old

The more I practice the easier it gets for me to deliver my “Yes I did have two children but unfortunately they died. I had a little girl who died a year last September at 15 months old and a little boy who only made it to 22 weeks of pregnancy. He died last September because of an incurable brain abnormality.” And “no we don’t know why my little girl died. The coroner opened an inquest into it and we finally have an inquest date of 17th May.” The first few times someone asked me I ended up in tears during the inevitable questioning that ensued afterwards and made my guests feel awkward that they had upset me. Now I have it down to a tee and can deliver explanations, answer questions in the same matter of fact way I tell people about where Randall & Aubin source their fish!

It’s almost becoming natural now for me to talk about it openly at work if I’m ever asked but I worry that people may think I’m cold or detached as I now rarely get upset at all in a work environment. I find myself able to talk about my children in almost a matter of fact clinical way.

Behind closed doors

Afterwards once I get home is a different story as I find I have to have a little cry to let the emotion I bottled up out and if I find myself having to tell lots of different people my sad news at a larger networking event or dinner then it can sometimes can drain me emotionally for days.

I seem strong

People assume because I can put on a brave face for work and social situations that deep inside I’m strong, tough and can cope with anything. Sometimes they then feel the need to share their problems, dilemmas and trials with me, thinking if I can handle losing my children then I can maybe help them too. They don’t realise the tidal wave style flood I’m often holding back under the surface. A volcano more often than not looks just like a still stationary mountain from the outside but inside there’s a great deal bubbling under the surface that no one sees until the big outpouring or eruption, That’s how I feel most days.

IMG_0522
Photo of Pat in Iceland just outside Reykjavik

So yes I may seem strong, calm and together on the outside but you’ve no idea the effort that that can take in order for me to put my “game face” on (I mean that in the together psychological sense rather than a make up one!). Yes I do care about my friends and other people, so do feel you can speak to me but please remember there’s a limit sometimes to what extra stress I can take on board. This is especially the case if your stress in the grand scheme of things isn’t exactly that life threatening.

Cancelling plans

Please forgive me also if I make arrangements to see you and then cancel at the last minute sometimes I get so emotionally drained that I can’t face having to make conversation with anyone.

Thanks for reading,

Love Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

You may find these posts interesting too –

After the Rainbow

Mothering after loss

Making over motherhood

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Count your blessings

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It’s not all doom and gloom when you’re grieving the death of your child strangely enough there are lots of positives.

Appreciation

The main positive to come out of it is that you really appreciate the good in life and the usual things that would have brought you down really don’t matter anymore. So what you get a parking ticket, ladder your tights or forget to take an umbrella out with you, so you get drenched in that sudden rain shower.

All these things at one time would have stressed me out but now I simply shake things like that off, as in the grand scheme of things unless someone has died or been told they have something incurable then it isn’t really bad news compared to your child dying?

We’d happily give up anything to get our daughter back. If someone wanted me to sign over everything I own to live on the streets or to kill myself in order to get her back then I would do in a heartbeat.

Version 2
Violet loved playing with her drum & other instruments

Empathy

The only issue with not being as fazed with day-to-day incidents, is that it reduces my ability to sympathise or empathise with others. If someone has also lost a child, found out they have cancer or face losing a loved one then I know how to relate to them. I understand totally how to empathise with that situation. However if I meet someone who tells me what a nightmare week they have had because they broke a heel on their favourite pair of shoes, had something go wrong with a client at work or have a child that’s teething, then I really find it difficult to sympathise with this.

In fact it often irritates me and makes me annoyed that to some people this is the extent of their bad week. I would love for that to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me!

I feel myself having to practise saying “oh dear I’m sorry to hear that. Poor you” without sounding sarcastic; when I really want to say “pull yourself together”, “get a grip” and “worse things have happened, man up would you!” “You could be like me and have a child die now that’s a bad week!”

Drama queens

I find it so hard to tolerate drama queens too and we all know some. Where chipping their nail varnish is a disastrous day and their boyfriend or husband working late is a nightmare. I simply try to avoid these people now, as they have no idea about the normal world and yes there’s sometimes a sweet innocence about them that you have to love. Currently I find them so frustrating that I almost have to resist the urge to shake them.

So if you need a shoulder to cry on or a friendly ear for a “real” problem then I’m all ears with tea and sympathy but if your problem isn’t life threatening. If it has to do with not being able to find the right dress, then please forgive me if I don’t sound sincere when I say “poor you how awful”.

Love, Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

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The Small Things

A Literal Broken Heart

Party Girl

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The Small Things

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I used to be a self-confessed shopaholic before I had Violet I loved nothing more than a shopping spree round town getting a new dress, looking at the sales, maybe some new shoes, new toiletries etc. Now I hardly ever shop.

Violet in a pretty dress
Violet wearing a new pretty dress in May 2016 & it always cheered her up

Experiences

Instead losing my children has taught me to appreciate the experiences life has to offer, rather than simply buying stuff. So now we’d rather spend our money on dinner out or save for a holiday somewhere or spend time in the outdoors.

Family and friends

It has also made us more grateful for our friends and family who have been so supportive, throughout these last few years. Yes we have had good friends fall by the way side but many more that have stepped right up to the plate to hold our hands during our lowest ebbs. We are so appreciative of these people, as it makes us realise that as cruel and evil as the world sometimes seems there are good, kind people out there.

There have also been near strangers and distant friends who have been so kind and gone out of their way to help us in small ways that mean much more because of the thought that goes with it.

Violet clapping bubbles
From the last party Violet ever went to and she loved a good party!

Legacy

Some people have gone out of their way to remember our daughter by doing Iron Man contests, swimming Windermere, organising events and other challenges to raise money for her fund helping us to create that lasting legacy for Violet we so crave.

There have been lots of moments of kindness from people that have reduced us both to tears and we love you all so thank you!

Love, Sarah x

p.s. if anyone wants to donate to her fund click here  and tickets for the Violet ball on 29th September 2018 can be reserved here

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When baby news upsets me

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I was so excited to meet my brand new nephew yesterday who is absolutely gorgeous and I’m so pleased to see my beautiful sister healthy too. Friends I spoke to afterwards were concerned about it upsetting me and contacted me to check I was ok. It is lovely of them to care but prompted me to write this…

Baby news

After having lost my little girl at 15 months and then a baby boy that never made it to full term, bless him, people seem to think that I’ll get upset if they announce a pregnancy or the birth of their new baby.

Smiling
Violet at approx 10 weeks old

I have gotten upset occasionally. Usually if the baby boy was born close to Arthur’s due date and/or been given the same name but even this doesn’t last very long at all.

Happy news

I’m always happy whenever someone announces a pregnancy that’s healthy. Or the birth of a new baby, especially if it’s a close friend or family member. I love to see other people happy and there are always baby cuddles available.

Arthur scan
Arthur at 16 weeks of pregnancy

Sad baby news

What really upsets me is when I watch the news and hear of a baby or child that has been abused or murdered by their parents or family. That is what I find really upsetting, we’d give anything to have our daughter or son healthy and with us. When I read that someone has actually intentionally injured or killed his or her own child I find it abhorrent. That is the baby news that really upsets me and makes me so angry.

Violet & Arthur

Our daughter was so well looked after yet she still got sick and died, from we think a lung disease. My son had severe brain damage, yet I looked after myself in pregnancy, didn’t drink, smoke or do any drugs other than a pregnancy multivitamin! When I see pregnant women smoking and drinking alcohol that upsets me. Women chain smoking, blowing smoke over a pram and toddler that angers me too. Violet was never exposed to cigarette smoke. I feel sorry for children that are. I want to shake their parents to say “do you know what it would be like if your child died?” That is when I get upset about someone else’s baby or child.

Thanks for caring about us though. We really appreciate it when people are so thoughtful to let us know about pregnancies, new babies etc before they then announce it publicly. It is lovely to know you all care and are still thinking of us.  Thank you.

Love Sarah x

Always Violet Skies

You might be interested in these posts –

My story

Making over motherhood

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